Love and Successful Marriage

How well do you understand the fictions and facts about love?

How eager are you "just to get married?" Has this eagerness made you feel love for unsuitable persons because you could get them?

Does the other remind you strongly of some dear relative or friend whom you once loved? To what extent has this influenced your choice!

Is your home or work situation unhappy? Are you marrying to "get away from it all?"

Were you ever engaged before? How many times, and how recently? Have you suffered any bitterness or hu-miliation?

Is anyone putting undue pressure on you to marry? Do you feel that you must hurry, lest you be "left on the shelf?

How much has sex desire influenced your choice?

How much have you been swayed by "minor point" attractions?

How well do you know each other?

How strong are your interests in common?

How similar are your ideals, values, and goals in life? How important is financial success? Is either of you a social climber?

Do you have common interests in actively promoting "worthy causes?" Will your interests and activities in such things as church work bring you together or pull you apart?

Are you actively related to some organization or group interested in making the world a better place?

How about children? Have you discussed the matter sufficiently so that you understand each other? Have you reached an agreement satisfactory to both?

Make your marriage a suc­cess instead of a divorce statistic. Judged by the rising tide of divorce statistics, it has become increasingly difficult for a young couple to make a success of their marriage. But if you understand the causes for failure and the essentials for suc­cess, you need not end up among the failure statistics. Your marriage can be a success.

One reason for failure is the tendency of people to take marriage for granted, like steam heat and hamburger stands. Marriage to them is just something you do, like wearing shoes, getting your hair cut, or brushing your teeth. As such, it does not seem to call for any special training or under­standing. Whatever knowledges and skills you may need you can pick up, just as you learned to walk, or get on and off the bus. "Doin' what comes natcherly" seems to be enough.

Another reason for failure is the tendency to regard mar­riage as a guest does a prolonged party. At a party you may have to do a little work as a guest, like getting out the bridge tables and rolling back the rug. But mainly it is an occasion for fun which requires little effort and no especial effort or competence. And so people expect marriage to be like that! Isn't it swell? After you marry you have ready so­cial and sexual access to one you love, without having to worry about competition, or what the neighbors will say. In addition to all this heaven, you will, according to the adver­tisements, have a gleaming modern kitchen. You will have a charming living room, ornamented later on by neatly dressed, attractive and well-behaved children to whom you will come home. You will have all the things so vividly pictured in your dreams.

This picture is not so much false as incomplete. Marriage is lots of fun. But it is a party in which you are host as well as guest. Therefore it is work. It can mean what seems to be an endless round of dishes and diapers. It means bills, wor­ries, and sometimes burdensome debts. If the relationship between husband and wife is to continue rich and worthful, and if their children are to have attractive personalities, mar­riage means hard work and almost saintly forbearance. Peo­ple who come to marriage as to a party, expecting loads of pleasure at little cost, are likely to feel cheated. If your mar­riage is to become a success, rather than a divorce statistic, you must put real effort into it. Yet effort alone will not be enough. You must know what to do, and what not to do, and have the skills which are necessary for success.

Intelligent understanding as an essential to success in mar­riage. Many people still fail to appreciate the importance of sound knowledge for marital success. This attitude is not new. In earlier times they regarded special training as un­necessary in many areas where we now know that it is essen­tial. The village blacksmith once was the dentist. He did not need any special training. All he needed was what he al­ready had—strength and forceps. The barber was the sur­geon, as his striped pole still reminds us.

The idea that any­body needed anything except "experience" and a few "tips" to be a farmer would have seemed ridiculous.

Today we know better. The physician who treats you, the dentist who fixes your teeth, the druggist who makes up your prescriptions, even the beauty parlor operator who sets your hair—all must be trained and pass an examination before they are granted a license. We are coming to see that mar­riage, also, is a serious vocation which requires trained com­petence for success. If you must have specialized training in order to raise corn and hogs successfully, how much more should you know in order to be successful parents! Judge John A. Sbarbaro in his book, Marriage is on Trial (Mac-millan, 1947), urges that all couples be required to complete a course in premarital training before they are granted a license to wed. He suggests the inclusion of a study of the economic problems of the family, fundamentals of child psy­chology, sexual relationships, "in-laws," the effects of broken homes upon children, and the responsibilities and oppor­tunities of the church and similar agencies in the strengthen­ing of family life. A divorce court judge sees every day that good intentions are not enough! There must be technical, scientific knowledge.

Such scientific understanding is especially important and difficult regarding the whole matter of love. Through the years there has grown up in our culture, a whole system of beliefs about love. Some contain much truth. Others are partly true. Some of those held most strongly are basically false. One reason why marriages fail is our inability to tell the difference between the fictions and the facts of love. Hence our first question. The discussion which follows will begin with the fictions, and proceed to the facts about love.

1. How well do you understand the fictions and facts about love?

Most Americans take it for granted that love is the one thing which really counts in choosing a life partner. "Do I love him?" or, "Do I love her enough?" Many young peo­ple believe that the answer to these questions should settle the matter of marriage. Bill might make a far better hus­band, but if Jill loves Jack more than she loves Bill, she will marry Jack.

In many other cultures, and at other times and places, the idea of what is most important in marriage has been quite different. Before we assume that our ideas are correct, or even better, we should ask ourselves how we have come by them.

So far as we as individuals are concerned, the answer is not difficult. We believe that love is the crucial matter in marriage because this idea has been drilled into us from childhood. Our movies are partly responsible; most plots are so organized in moving pictures. For example, parents who object to the love choices of their children are made to appear selfish and wrong. Such considerations as differences in family or social position are made to seem unimportant. When young people defy their parents or their traditions and marry for love, we applaud. The picture has been so produced as to make us feel that we should. It might have been so developed as to give the opposite impression.

The novels and stories which most of us read present the same general point of view. The girl is sometimes repre­sented as engaged to some nice, respectable person whom she does not love. So that we will not like him, he is por­trayed as intolerably stuffy. Therefore when she runs off and marries the man she really loves, often at the very last minute, we feel that she has done the right thing. The gen­eral idea often is that a husband should be someone glamor­ous and exciting.

Advertisements help to hammer the same idea home. In the soap operas, love and happiness are presented as the only things in marriage which are worth while. Many other ads play up the same idea. Love and glamour—these are the im­portant considerations, so we are told.

Of course the movies, stories, and ads present this point of view because it is in line with what we already believe, and want to keep on believing. Back of it all is the very pow­erful force of public opinion. The fiction is accepted because that is the way marriage choices seem to work out in real life. For example, there was Cousin Gussie. All the family thought that her marriage was a mistake. But when she explained hat he was the man she loved, that seemed to settle the question for everyone. Our friends have made what have seemed to others very peculiar choices. But we all seemed to feel that if they were really in love, there was nothing else for them to do.

These love matches did not always work out very well. Even in the stories, the glamorous Romeo, whom the girl left all to marry, was sometimes presented as little more than an attractive and exciting tramp. After the marriage he may desert her and their children and leave them without finan­cial or emotional support for months or even years at a time. Yet, according to the fiction, despite all these hardships, the girl had done the only thing she could do; marry the man she loved.

These strange and often tragic choices are often explained on the basis that love just doesn't make sense anyway. Love is supposed to be some strange mysterious Something which nobody can understand. The only way you can tell it is by the way you feel when your heart goes bumpity-bump, and all that. Furthermore, there doesn't seem to be anything you can do about it. It just IS, or IS NOT. You cannot make yourself love another, no matter how eager he may be to marry you, or how good a husband he would make. On the other hand, when it does hit you, you are a goner. Cupid just sneaks up on people, twangs his bow, and before any­body knows it, they are hooked, regardless of how suitable the marriage may or may not be. Such is the fiction upon the basis of which so many young people select their marriage partners. Now let us look at some of the facts.

One of the most inescapable facts is the extent of marriage failure. Hundreds of thousands crowd our divorce courts, often bitter and disillusioned. Yet, these same people were quite as much in love with each other as most young people are at the time of marriage. Obviously something is terribly wrong with this idea that marriages should be based upon feelings of love which people have toward each other.

Even more conclusive evidence is to be found in the speed ith which these romantic ideas die out for most people after marriage. Think of the people whom you know who have been married for ten years or more. How many of them still have this romantic glow which is supposed to be the very purpose of marriage? The failure of romantic love to con­tinue does not mean that there is something the matter with any particular marriage, or with marriage in general. It does mean that selecting life partners on the basis of this sup­posed love feeling alone is not enough. In other words, we have been making our choices too often on the basis of fic­tions alone. If our marriages are to succeed, we must ex­change these fancies for facts. Let us now consider what some of these facts are.

Fact One: Love is not any more strange and mysterious than many other human experiences. Actually there does exist a real and growing body of scientific knowledge about it. We know a great deal about the nature of love, why it hits the way it does, and why it can or cannot stand up un­der the long pull of marriage.

Anything is mysterious; the rising and setting of the sun, the circulation of the blood, or changes in the weather—all are strange and mysterious to those who lack scientific knowl­edge about them. Many who drive cars have only the slight­est idea of what goes on under the hood, or what to do if the car refuses to start. Why people suddenly become ill, or are suddenly hit by a pain at the back of the neck, may be as complete mysteries as the sudden coming of love. But as our knowledge grows, all such experiences become increas­ingly understandable. In love as in health, you can tell little by the way you feel. The man in terrible pain may have only simple indigestion which will cure itself, while the man who feels nothing wrong may suddenly drop dead of heart failure. Those who feel most sure of their love are often the poorest marriage risks. Having a healthy marriage, like hav­ing a healthy body, calls for the best scientific knowledge we can get.

Fact Two: There is not just one, but there are many forms of love. The man who is not well may use just one word to de­scribe how he feels. He may say that he feels sick. The medically trained man knows that although many forms of illness may feel alike, actually they represent many different kinds of diseases which are quite different from each other. So it is with love. There are many forms of it. Those in love may feel quite similar to those whose love is of a very dif­ferent type. Actually, however, one form of love may be quite unlike another.

Some forms of love are essential to successful marriage, or even to successful living. Other kinds of love are forms of selfishness. For example, we say that we love oranges. The orange would not think so. We destroy it for our pleasure, and then throw what is left in the garbage. Sometimes we love people in the same way—even our own children. We get what we want out of them, often regardless of their wishes or best interests. Sometimes young people love and want to marry, mainly because they want to get something out of the other, not because they desire his good. Yet this selfish kind of love may look and feel just like any other kind. Not all forms of love are good and sound. Some forms should be warning signals, rather than bases for marriage. The im­portant question is not, "Do I love him enough to marry him?" It is rather, do we feel the kind of love toward each other upon which a marriage can successfully be built?

Fact Three: The richest, deepest, and most permanent forms of love are those which we build over the years. So you are in love. You feel a warm, romantic glow toward each other which you do not feel toward anyone else. Grand. The love which you feel toward each other may be honest and teal.

If you marry, it will give you a good start. But the love which will make your marriage most worth-while, which will not only endure but grow through the years, is not this ro­mantic kind. It is the richer, deeper kind which comes from Having with another who is in a true sense a life partner; one with whom you have in common the basic purpose of building a family together; someone who is going your way. Only such a love can really meet your needs. Only such a love can weld your marriage together so that it can easily withstand the storms and stresses which pull against it. The romantic form of love may be able to give you some thrilling experiences for a few weeks, or even a few years. Only this richer form of love can make the latter part of your life richer, and in a sense, more romantic than were the first years. And this love is not anything you can fall into. It must be built.

But you already do feel some kind of love for each other. How can you tell what kind it is—whether it is selfish or unselfish, sound or unsound? The questions which follow in this chapter are designed to help you at this point. Those in some of the other chapters, especially those on Character and Mental Health, are designed to help you know whether or not you have what it takes to build a richer and more abiding form of love.

2. How eager are you "just to get married?" Has this eagerness made you feel love for unsuitable persons be­cause you could get them?

Getting married is, and should be, a romantic and thrill­ing adventure. The excitement of getting ready, the wed­ding in which you are the center of attention, the thrill of establishing a new and intimate relationship with another person; these rightly have great appeal. When June comes and you see so many of your friends getting married, and there is someone special whom you like and who wants to marry you, it is quite a temptation! No wonder that under such circumstances some people feel that they are in love.

The danger is that such marriages may end up as "roller coaster" marriages. They are highly exciting at first and for a brief time. But the couple ends up at the bottom with a thrill which is past. Those who are rather lonely and hungry for love must be especially careful about this. The love which they think they feel toward a person may really be a love for the excitement of getting married. Even when there are other bases, this love for a thrill may be enough, in com­bination with other motives, to push us into a marriage which is not for the best. All of us need to watch out!

3. Does the other remind you strongly of some dear rela­tive or friend whom you once loved? To what extent has this influenced your choice!

"And when I gazed into her eyes, then I knew," whispered Phil. Phil was brought up by an Aunt Clara, whom he adored. Ada was about Aunt Clara's height, and her gestures were strikingly similar. When she spoke, Phil heard the same soft, well-modulated voice which he had come to love as a child. No wonder that he was interested in Ada as soon as they had met. On their first date he noted around her eyes the same cute wrinkles he had loved in his aunt. And in Ada's eyes was the same shade of greenish-blue. To Phil it was love at first sight; a mysterious Act of God, who intended that they should marry. Actually, it was Phil's love for his aunt which Ada's similarities stirred up in Phil with over­whelming compulsion. Phil's imagination did the rest. He naturally felt that Ada must have the same simple integrity, the same gentle patience and the same unselfish love as had Aunt Clara. How could Phil know, or even believe that Ada was selfish, spoiled, and something of a cheat? Yet he did have sense enough to know that one must be especially care­ful about "love at first sight." With the help of a wise coun­selor he began to see the reasons for his feelings. As he be­came aware of Ada's physical resemblances to his aunt, and saw their relationship to his love, his feelings changed. Ada was no longer even mildly interesting to him.

Such extreme cases may be rare, but less extreme ones are common. Many young people have been very considerably influenced to choose one person rather than another because some look or gesture reminded them of a loved one. Have you considered the possibility of such influences in your choice?

4. Is your home or work situation unhappy? Are you marrying to "get away from it all?"

The trains came and the trains went on through Small-ville, but Susan never went anywhere except to visit her aunt and uncle who lived in the same kind of small town about fifty miles down the line. Oscar was a nice boy with whom she had gone through high school. She liked him, and he was really interested in her. But if she married him, what could that bring her? Oscar was working in his father's store, which some day he would take over, and they would be stuck in Smallville all their lives. But Jerry was something different. Jerry was a counselor in a boy's camp, whom she had met at a dance one Saturday night. She had been dating him on his nights off ever since, for Jerry was not like the hicks in Smallville.

He was from Big Town. If she mar­ried him she would live where things were really going on; could go to the theatre where big stars played in per­son, shop at really big stores, and mingle with real crowds. Susan knew little about Jerry except that he had a fast line, a citified manner, and a job in the Big City. But since she was in love with him, wasn't that enough? Or was she only in love with the possibility of getting out of Smallville?

How often is this "love" which some feel the desire to get away from a quarrelsome, bickering family, a dominating mother, or a tight little office in which one feels stifled? It is understandable that people should strive to get away from that which annoys them, although the basic reasons for the annoyance may be in themselves. When you marry you assume responsibilities; you do not escape them. A""'good marriage will mean that life will be much richer and more worth-while, but it will not be easier. Marriage creates as many problems as it solves. The success of your marriage will depend upon what you are getting into, not what you get away from.

5. Were you ever engaged before? How many times, and how recently? Have you suffered any bitterness or hu-miliation?

Life often brings difficult and sometimes humiliating experiences. We are rejected by our crowd. We break with our own family. We lose our job. Other events come which make us discouraged, embittered, or frightened. In such times it is quite natural for us to want the love and security which a good marriage can bring. The emphasis here should be on a good marriage. The danger is that we feel that al­most any marriage will bring us the support we wish, and act hastily and unwisely. Remember, marriage is not a hos­pital, or even a convalescent home. It brings not only addi­tional joys, but also additional burdens. If you have been badly hurt, wait until you have recovered before taking on its responsibilities.

Be especially careful if you have recently been disap­pointed in a previous love affair. It is a difficult experience to be jilted, especially after we have been "all set." We may want desperately to "show our friends," and to reassure our­selves. If your engagement has but recently been broken, wait until the hurt has had time to heal fully before you commit yourself again. Or, if you are suddenly urged to rush into marriage by someone who has but recently been jilted, review the situation with especial care. Make sure that he wants you, rather than just anybody who will marry him.

Beware of the person who has been engaged several times. There is probably something which needs to be straightened out before marriage should be attempted. You may want to get expert counseling in such a case.

6. Is anyone putting undue pressure on you to marry? Do you feel that you must hurry, lest you be "left on the shelf?"

It is quite natural that your relatives, and especially your parents, should be interested in whom you marry. It is proper that they should propose possibilities and, within reasonable limits, even to campaign for them. They will do it, anyway. But do not let them, or anyone, push you into a marriage for which you are not ready. Above all, beware of the girl friend who tries to give you the impression that you have "led her on," and that, therefore, it is now your duty to marry her. The main difference between altar and halter is H.

On the question of taking your opportunities while you have a chance, it is difficult to give wise advice. Certainly it is unwise to marry just because everyone else is doing it, and you want to be in the swim. Some people, too, are will­ing to accept almost anybody for fear that otherwise they may be left on the shelf. On the other hand, some are so particular that they pass up, to their undying regret, the chance to marry really good people because they hope for some Prince Charming of their imaginations who will never come. That, also is too bad. Do not let it happen to you.

7.  How much has sex desire influenced your choice?

A group of young men coming out of a movie house agreed that the actress whom they had just seen starred was one of the most luscious creatures in the world. In discussing some of the implications of her attractions one of them suddenly remarked, "Do you realize that five different men have actu­ally been married to her, and none of them wanted to keep her?"

If sex appeal were the most important consideration in marriage, the Hollywood marriages would be outstandingly successful. There is probably more sex appeal there than in any marriages anywhere in the world. Yet they are notoriously unstable. Obviously, something more than sex must be added.

Recent studies in psychology have given us a partial an­swer to this puzzle. We have now learned that sex can be continuously satisfying only when and as it involves the response of total personalities to each other. Men soon tire of women, however beautiful they may be, unless the rela­tionship is basically personal. Here are some of the places where sex attraction can lead astray.

Young men of high ideals may become attracted sexually to certain girls. Such desires may become so strong that they will propose marriage to girls who are quite unsuitable for them, because only so can they satisfy their sex desires with­out violating their consciences.

Other men, not so high in ideals, become obsessed with a desire for sex relationships with attractive girls whom they cannot "make" outside of marriage. Rhett Butler in Gone With the Wind married Scarlett O'Hara because he could not get her without marriage. Both these situations present the real danger that, once the desire has been satisfied either within or outside of marriage, the man loses interest.

If you are a girl whom men find unusually attractive, you have a special problem at this point. It will be difficult for both you and them to know whether what they feel toward you is substantial enough to sustain a sound marriage or, because it is primarily physical, will prove to be only a passing fancy. Your best safeguard is the character and in­tegrity of the man.

You can tell this in part by what he cares about. If he cares about ideals, if he is concerned with mak­ing the world a better place, he may be a good risk. On the other hand, if he claims to be interested only in you, do not be flattered; be warned. This world of ours is an extremely interesting place. It has also become so dangerous that we had better be interested in making it reasonably safe. The man who claims to be interested only in a girl is either a liar, or so deficient in development that he ought not to marry anybody.

8. How much have you been swayed by "minor point" attractions?

In all areas of life, people often choose upon the basis of what is relatively unimportant. In selecting a second-hand car, for example, they may choose one which has serious defects just because they like the looks of the dash, or the color of the upholstery, or the general lines. One couple even bought a house in the country because of such minor point attractions. In the moonlight, when they saw it first, it seemed the most beautifully picturesque place they could imagine. Outside was the Old Oaken Bucket hanging in the well. Inside, a huge fireplace took up one end of a large living room, through the walls of which the moon made charming patterns on the floor. Even the sag in the roof gave an appearance of stalwart patience which they felt belonged to the house. They were as eager to buy it as the agent was to sell. Then they moved in.

They had not expected perfection, but. . . . The lovely fireplace smoked so much as to be almost unusable, yet was the only means of heating the place. Through the holes which had admitted the moonlight also came the rain and cold and snow. The romantic Old Oaken Bucket weighed a ton, and there seemed no way of emptying it without spilling water all over yourself, and it was the only source of water. By December they could no longer stand it and moved out, which was fortunate. In January the patience of the sagging roof was no longer stalwart, and the whole thing caved in.

"You're lovely to look at, delightful to know, and heaven to kiss." So ran a popular song. A combination like this is certainly desirable. As with a car or a house, nice lines and a good paint job are all to the good. So also is that lock of curly hair, the charming smile, the way her cute little nose wrinkles when she laughs, and those alluring eyes. But if you allow such minor points to determine your choice, you may, like the couple who bought the charming house, come to grief.

The belief that marriage is a prolonged party may cause us to choose the one with whom we can have the most fun. "I have such a good time with Jim on a date." "Fred is so jolly and so exciting." "Doris is so sparkling and vivacious on a picnic." "Marian is such a charming hostess." And so the list goes. All such qualities are desirable and can add much to a marriage.

But they are not enough. If we are employing a girl as a stenographer, it is nice if she can select drapes and arrange flowers tastefully. But the important considera­tion is her shorthand and typing. So it is with a marriage partner. Many people who are delightful dates at a dance, or fine companions for a summer vacation are not at all suitable for the long pull of marriage.

In your choice, then, make sure that you are not influenced too much by minor point attractions. How will she be to live with? How well will he wear, year after year? Will you have to carry her when the going gets tough, or will she come through when you are under your greatest pressures? Such are the important considerations in choosing a mate.

9. How well do you know each other?

A valid type of love takes time to develop. The Hollywood lover may murmur softly to the girl whom he has just met, "I've known you all my life." But he is following a script, not stating a fact. Really coming to know a person takes time, and lots of it. Studies indicate that those couples who have been engaged for two years or longer are most successful in their marriages. And presumably they knew each other for some time before they became engaged.

But time is not the only consideration. Important also is the kind of association which you have had together. George and Mabel have known each other for eight years. But during all this time they have been together hardly twenty times, and all these contacts were at formal parties and dances, where people wear their best behavior as well as their best clothes. Actually George and Mabel do not know each other nearly well enough to become engaged. One problem in connection with separate men's and women's colleges is that boys and girls see each other only on week-end social occasions. Often they have great difficulty in really getting to know each other. By far the best situation is that in which the young people have grown up together from childhood. But this is not for most of us. The best which most young people can do is a few years of group association. They go around for some time with the same "crowd." Or it may be that they belong to the same church, the same political clubs, or they have gone to school together.

Here the important consideration is not merely the time span through which such associations have taken place, but the number and the kind of the associations.

What kinds of associations have you had with each other? One of the best ways to get to know anyone is to work with him. By this we do not mean merely to work in the same factory or office. We mean to work with him at the same job. Tom thought that he knew Violet and Rose fairly well. He had dated them individually several times, and had gone on many parties and picnics with them. But not until he worked with them on the school paper did he really get to know them. In a job like this you cannot stay on your good be­havior for long. In order to turn work out, you must relax and be yourself. One Friday when the printer failed to get his copy out for the paper due Monday, Tom saw two per­sonalities whom he had never known before. The Rose wilted, cried, and went home with a headache. The Violet, however, refused to shrink. She said some things over the phone that would not have been printable. Then she collected Tom and two other boys, and they visited the printer.

They stayed there together until the copy was finished and the presses ready to roll the first thing Monday morning. The old adage should be changed to "You never really know a man until you have worked with him under pressure." You who are becoming mutually interested; how well do you really know each other?

10. How strong are your interests in common?

What sports and amusements do you enjoy together? We start with this, not because fun is too important, but because it is what so often first brings the young couple together. A boy and a girl find that they like to swim, play tennis, and go to shows together. This is a fine start, and some of these activities can be enjoyed together for many years. But physical activities can do no more than to give the initial push. As people grow older their physical energies diminish. They become interested in other things. And in any case, marriages are not mainly recreation. Therefore it is essential that the couple consider other interests which will hold up better under the long pull.

What intellectual or cultural interests do you have, such as music, drama, literature, painting, or history? This list may seem to be of possible interest only to highbrow intel­lectuals. Yet many people of little formal schooling have developed considerable interest in, and taste for good music and art. Other people have less pretentious hobbies, such as woodworking, dog breeding or clay modeling. Every family should have at least one amateur photographer.

Some of these interests may be related to a vocation. Frank (mentioned on p. 18) had a very real interest in his garage work. The girl whom he finally married de­veloped a very profitable, but no less real interest in raising chickens.

It is not necessary that both husband and wife have the same interests. In some ways, their relationships will be more fruitful if one specializes in one thing and the other in another. Then by sharing, they can both have a broader de­velopment. It is important that they do have interests. The person who has interests is more interesting as a person. The wife who spends considerable time in her garden and really tries to do a good job, may prove far more attractive to her husband than if she spent the time in a beauty parlor. Furthermore, interests which seem quite divergent can often be shared in most valuable ways. Edith was a research physician and Alvin a sculptor and painter. When she wrote a book on a technical medical subject, he illustrated it. One need not be a specialist in the field of the other. A couple needs only interests to share, and interest enough in what the other is doing to make possible the sharing. A young couple will rarely know in advance just what and how their interests may later develop. They should be able to tell, however, the extent to which either or both is alive to any part of life which is beyond themselves.

But if you discover that one or both of you has no signifi­cant interests, what then? Your answer will depend upon what you want from each other. Some men, often because they feel inferior, want a wife who will be little more than an appendage to the household. They will want her to cook, clean, receive guests, and perhaps bear a child or two, but otherwise be as colorless as possible. Likewise, some wives will want husbands who will provide reasonably well finan­cially, but who otherwise will trouble them as little as pos­sible.

We shall not here pass judgment upon such persons. We shall say only that if this is what either or both of you want, you should both know it and face fully what it means. But if you want your marriage to be a rich companionship, real interests are essential.

Marry a person without hair, teeth, fingernails, or a nose, but not one without interests. And be assured on this point before you become engaged. Since the strongest and most enduring interest is a common purpose, consider our next question carefully.

11. How similar are your ideals, values, and goals in life? How important is financial success? Is either of you a social climber?

Everybody expected that Frank and Annie would get mar­ried, including the couple themselves. In fact, when Frank called that night he intended definitely to "pop the ques­tion." Annie knew this, and it was her eagerness to help Frank out which skidded the whole proposition into the ditch, which was probably a good thing.

Both Frank and Annie were working people. She had finished high school with some difficulty. He had quit after two years, and taken a job at a local garage. He was a good mechanic, and happy to remain so. Basically he was a fine boy, honest, reliable, and good-natured. His wants were few. He enjoyed an occasional beer and cigar, and liked ball games and fishing.

He wanted a family, preferably with Annie, and enough money to support them according to his simple standards. Beyond this his ambitions did not go. He had no desire to appear intellectual, or to get ahead.

Not so with Annie. She had ambitions for them both. As Frank began his warm-up speech, she became impatient and took over. Frank was really a great man. He must finish high school. Then, by moving to a large city, he could attend engineering school at night. He was to become not an ordinary engineer, but a great engineer. Then they would have lots of money and live in a big house on a hill and move in the best social circles. Yes, the right kind of wife could make something of him.

After this glowing picture Frank looked puzzled. Then he gulped, walked over to the piano, picked up his hat and said, "Good night Annie. See ya later." Despite her en­treaties he walked out, not to return. Academically, Frank was not bright. Mathematics were to him an unsolved mys­tery. But he did have a kind of basic insight which saved him from what might have been a sad mistake.

As he himself put it, "All of a sudden I saw what I was getting into. I didn't want it. What could be worse than spending years of your life struggling and fighting for what you don't want?"

Later he turned his attentions to another girl who was less ambitious and married her. He was fortunate because he was wiser than most Americans regarding the relationship of making money to success.

In our culture, money has two important purposes;  to provide us with the material things of life and to give us status and power. The first we understand quite well. Money is a means of getting what we need and want, such as food, clothing, housing, and medical attention. It is also something more. It is a way in which some people can gain a sense of being superior to other people; by wearing clothes, living in costly homes, and operating cars which the ordinary man cannot afford. In short, it is a measure of success.

Most of the trouble which money causes in marriage arises not out of a lack of necessities, but out of the sense of failure. If you believe that money is the measure of success, you are headed for trouble. If you fail to get ahead as you feel that you should, each of you may blame the other. The wife will complain because you have not worked hard enough, or are too stupid. If only she had married Joe Spultz when she had the chance—now there is a man who has really gone places. The husband may reply that if only he had had the right kind of wife, the kind who would help instead of complain all the time, he would have made the grade.

And yet success does not solve the problem, either. Always there is someone who has been more successful, so that you will still feel inferior. And in any case, money has only a limited capacity to satisfy. It is like furniture in a house. A certain amount is highly desirable. But beyond a certain point it adds little, and begins to clutter up the place so that it is no longer worth its cost. Couples who have been married for many years often discover that the best period of their marriage was when they were poor and struggling.

It is working together for worthy objectives which makes marriage successful, not "getting ahead." The important con­sideration is to be successful as a person, in meeting your own personality needs and those of the rest of the family. Success in collecting figures on a bank balance is at best, a convenience.

If neither of you puts too much value upon money or status, you will probably be safe at this point. But if money and social position are central values for the other person, don't marry her (or him). You will be headed for trouble. If money and social position mean too much to you, don't marry anybody until you have grown up and straightened out.

12. Do you have common interests in actively promoting "worthy causes?" Will your interests and activities in such things as church work bring you together or pull you apart?

If you believe in the church, or the Civic Improvement Society, or the Favorite-Son-for-President Club, or the Red Cross, you will probably donate money to them. If you have enough money for everything, or if your gifts are small enough, you may have little difficulty. But most families can donate money only at the expense of something else. How­ever corrupt the city government may be, the wife may resent the five dollars you gave to the Better Government Association, especially if she was trying to save up enough to buy Junior a new coat. Or she may feel strongly that a man with growing sons ought to make a generous donation to the Stop-the-Next-War movement before he buys a new set of golf clubs. The spending of time may cause even more conflict. "John has plenty of time for some old meeting, but he never has time to take me to a dance or a show." "Mary would do a lot more good if, instead of all this P.T.A. work, she would clean the house once in a while, and be there when the kids get home from school." Or, "I don't mind go­ing to church occasionally, but this business of having to be there every Sunday to teach a class, so that we can never take a trip into the country even when the weather is perfect, that is just too much."

Another, although usually minor source of conflict con­cerns your friends. People who work with others naturally become attached to their fellow-workers and may want to bring them into their homes. In some instances, they may get most of their social life out of such attachments. If both of you are vitally interested in the same causes and people, little difficulty should result. But if one is "dragged out" to social affairs in which he has little interest, or has to enter­tain others whom he may dislike, trouble may result.

Naturally a couple cannot settle all such problems in ad­vance of their marriage. But by facing the issue, each one may be able to get a fairly good idea of what he is in for. If June was active in her Union and has eagerly volunteered for picket duty, such interests may be expected to continue even if she marries and quits her job. If James was the very active president of the Christian Endeavor, we must not be surprised if he assumes active responsibilities in the church which tie him up Sundays. If Paul has strong con­victions about good government, world peace or economic justice, these should be expected to continue. Remember, marriage does not change people basically. Age and ex­perience may change them profoundly after they are mar­ried. But do not bank on it. Marrying a person to "reform" him, either for better or for worse, is a proposition more than dubious.

13. Are you actively related to some organization or group interested in making the world a better place?

Here the word "active" is important. Merely having a nominal membership or making a small donation is not enough. For despite the disunity which may result from differences regarding the support of "worthy causes," the concern which these represent is of great importance to the success of the family itself.

To begin with, activity in a common cause which they earnestly share can be a powerful bond uniting the couple more closely. We know that men in the same combat unit, such as a bomber crew, quickly develop amazingly strong feelings of attachment for each other. Few things weld people together as strongly and as closely as fighting side by side against a common foe for a common goal.

In the second place, social concern is an indication that you can rise above the small, selfish interests which threaten a marriage. The man who is vitally interested in a better city government is not likely to spend too much time being suspiciously jealous of his wife. The woman who is fighting for better schools will be less likely to feel resentful toward her husband because he does not bring her presents all the time.

Those who are willing to make real sacrifices for ideal ends are certainly interested in something beyond them­selves. And such a concern for others is among the most im­portant character essentials for success in marriage.

Finally, an active social concern is essential to the job of being a good homemaker. It sounds very well to say, "My job is not to go running around to all kinds of meetings. The best way I can contribute to a better world is to stay home and do a good job with my own family."

But what is "doing a good job?" Is it spending all one's time in washing walls and cooking fancy dishes? Your family does not exist in a social vacuum. It is part of a community, of a social and economic system. Unless this larger setting is healthy, you may not be able to "do a good job." The lady who resented a donation to the Better Government Associa­tion felt quite differently about it when her own daughter was robbed—a crime which greater police efficiency could have prevented.

Those who stay home and pay no attention to economic reform may feel quite differently about it when a depression comes which puts the husband out of a job. We live in what is, in some respects, an evil and a dangerous world. We cannot put out a fire or prevent world conflagra­tion by staying home and minding our own business. The gangs in the neighborhood, the condition of the government and the schools—these are the business of parents, far more than running a vacuum cleaner and frying chicken. Nor is it enough merely to check evils.

We must also participate in the intelligent planning and creative building of the future.

People are rightly committed to great social and religious purposes, and to the programs and institutions which bring these to pass. The couple which works together for a better community is not driving a wedge of separation between themselves. They are forging a powerful bond of unity. Parents in the thick of the fight are doing more than help­ing protect their children. They can also make them strong. For safety in our kind of world is best achieved not through shelter, but through active understanding. One of the best services which parents can render their children is to open the windows of their homes and let the world, with its evil and its good, flow through.

14. How about children? Have you discussed the matter sufficiently so that you understand each other? Have you reached an agreement satisfactory to both?

You will not settle all the details of this problem in ad­vance. Couples sometimes plan for nine or so children, and later, by mutual consent, settle for a more modest number. But if either of you has a strong feeling against having any children at all, the other should clearly understand this before you become engaged. We do not say that a person who objects to children should not marry. We do say that any such attitude means something, and you both should find out what it means before you become en­gaged.

What will you do if you are unable to have children? Here are some possibilities which you should know about, and might consider together.

1. In many large cities there are fertility clinics. If you
   find yourselves unwillingly childless, your first step is to go
   to one of these. You ought to know in what cities they are
   to be found, and what they can do for childless couples.
   
   
2. Would you accept artificial insemination? In some in­
   stances, only the husband is sterile, or the couple is sterile
   only to each other. When that is the case a physician is often
   able to impregnate the wife artificially. In such cases, both should be willing and the husband may have to sign adop­tion papers. Here is a possibility upon which you should come to some understanding before you marry.
   
   
3. What about adoption? This is not as simple as it may sound. Many more couples want children than there are children available for adoption. You may have to wait many lonely years. Your chances for adoption are usually better if you will take an older child, rather than demand a baby. Before you marry you should discuss your attitudes toward adoption. You should know also the main possible sources for children, and something of how you go about adopting a child.

For most couples, children constitute the main justifica­tion for marriage, the main goal of its endeavors, and the strongest bond which holds the marriage together. There­fore you should go over the matter of children with great care. Read widely. Ask advice of those in a position to know. Study, visit, and investigate. You cannot give the matter too much attention. For in your children will largely be the fulfillment of yourselves as well as of your marriage.

In Summary

Success in marriage depends largely upon having sound and constructive attitudes toward love. Such understandings are difficult for Americans, especially because of the fictions which they have been taught since childhood, and which are supported by movies and other influences. Actually, the love upon which so many base their marriages is one or a com­bination of the following:

1. The appeal of the romance and adventure of marriage itself
   
   
2. The response to a person who reminds them of some­ one whom they have loved
   
   
3. The desire to escape from an unhappy situation
   
   
4. Consolation for failure or disappointment
   
   
5. Social pressures and/or the fear of being "left on the shelf"
   
   
6. Sex desire
   
   
7. Some minor point of attraction

Such forms of love are not false or fictitious. They are very real. Often they are intense enough to give a person an over­whelming feeling of certainty. Some of them, as nos. 1, 6 and 7 have a proper place in marriage. Their danger is that they are superficial. No one of them, nor all of them together, are strong enough to constitute the foundations of successful marriage. Yet they deceive people who believe that "love is enough" into choosing unsuitable mates.

Love which can make a marriage rich and worth-while must be far deeper. It must be based upon such things as common interests, ideals, values, and goals which involve worthy purposes. A common desire to develop children is among the strongest and most important of these common goals. Such a love is not something which you "fall in" before you marry. It is rather, something which you build together through the years. Those who have found the sounder bases for love may expect that the thrill, glow, and romance of their marriage will increase with time. The richest joy of marriage comes from a relationship with each other which constantly develops and matures. The deepest and most abiding love is that which has become an expression of all life's experiences and meanings for you both.

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