Your Readiness for Marriage

Are you both old enough to marry?

Are you close enough in age to each other?

Can you pull your own weight?

Are you both sufficiently disciplined with reference to money and property?

Are you socially adequate?

Are you vocationally competent?

How important is education?

Are you qualified for parenthood?

Like most intelligent young peoleyou have gone beyond the stage where you believe that good intentions and sentimental feelings are enough. You know that success in marriage means having what it takes to do a good job. A part of your problem concerns your own readiness for marriage. Here are some questions you should ask your­selves.

15. Are you both old enough to marry?

This question is not answered easily. How old is "old enough?" People vary a great deal in the ages at which they become mature. A few exceptional people might be ready for marriage in their teens. Others are much too "young" at thirty. In our discussions here we shall not concern ourselves with the rare exceptions at either end of the scale. We are concerned with the vast majority of young people.

How old should people be before they marry? A good approach is to find out how old people are when they actually do marry. In our country, the age of most men today at the time of first marriage is about twenty-four. Their brides are slightly over twenty-one. Contrary to popular opinion, people of today are not older, but younger at the time of marriage than they were fifty years ago. Men of today marry about two years earlier, and girls about six months earlier than did their grandparents. Yet in all times there is a wide difference in the ages at which people marry. College graduates, and those who enter the professions, usually marry considerably later than the rest of the population. Yet modern GIs have changed this situation. College students now frequently marry before they graduate. This change may become permanent. Having considered briefly the ages at which people do marry, let us now consider the ages at which they should marry.

One of the first studies of this subject, made many years ago, presented some interesting conclusions. The investigators suggested that the groom should be at least twenty-four, and preferably twenty-nine, and the bride at least nineteen, and preferably twenty-four. Later studies by such investigators as Terman and Burgess and Cottrell have modified these con­clusions somewhat. They indicate that teen-age marriages are the least successful. They suggest that marriage in the early to middle twenties is

Hart, Hornell, and Shields, W. Happiness in Relation to Age at Marriage, Journal of Social Hygiene, 1926, v. 12, pp. 403-4071

desirable. These conclusions find sub­stantial support from other sources. Child-bearing is easiest and safest in the early twenties, although modern science has made it increasingly safe for all ages. The Kinsey studies indi­cate that men reach their peak of sex desire well before twenty, so that the postponement of marriage places a strain upon those who observe the accepted moral standards. Yet emotional maturity and economic competence take time to develop. And if marriage is to represent a complete fulfillment of the love relationship, emotionally as well as physically, the couple should wait for marriage until they are fully ready. For most couples the best age for marriage seems to be from the early to the middle twenties.

Remember, however, that you are not a statistic, or even two statistics. You are you. The question is not, "What is the.best age for young people to marry?" but "What is the best age for you to marry?" The best way to decide is to look at what marriage involves, and then try to see whether or not you have what it takes. The remaining questions in this chapter may help you to decide.

16. Are you close enough in age to each other?

For youth should not mate with age. Her beauty was sold for an old man's gold, She's a bird in a gilded cage.

So ran a popular song in the Gay Nineties. In most mar­riages the man is somewhat older for well-known reasons. Girls usually mature physically and socially from two to three years sooner than boys.

Some men do not feel ready to assume the financial responsibilities of marriage until after they have become established in some business or profession, which may require some years. Girls, not being expected to earn the living for the family, feel free to marry much earlier. Most men, even those who are older, find younger women more attractive. So naturally the girls do not want to wait.

Nearly eight out of ten men marry women who are from two to three years younger than themselves. What of the marriages of those who do not? Interestingly enough, the Burgess-Cottrell study indicated that cases in which the wife was older than the husband showed a higher than usual proportion of good adjustments, as did those in which the husband was eight or more years older. Yet these same mar­riages showed also the highest proportion of poor adjust­ments.

Terman found that the happiest group of husbands had wives twelve or more years younger, but that the hap­piest wives were from four to ten years older than their husbands. Yet the happiest couples were those in which the husband was from three to five years older. So you figure it out. Here are some principles which may help:

1. If the man is about the same age as, or somewhat older than the girl, there will be no especial problem of age suitability.
   
   
2. If the girl is slightly older there will be no especial problem unless one or the other feels sensitive about it. The only question then will be, "How do they feel about it?"
   
   
3. As people grow older, age differences become less important. Other things being equal, there will be less difference between a woman of fifty and a man of seventy, than between a girl of twenty and a man of forty.
   
   
4. When one is relatively young and the other as much as twelve years older, the couple should carefully review the following problems:

There may be real differences in their interest in physical activities. If the man is the elder, this may not be too im­portant. A man of thirty-five may play as good a game of golf or even tennis, and swim as well as a girl of twenty. In fact their differences in age may actually make them more evenly matched.

A greater problem will be the stage in which their interests happen to be. Younger people often want to gad about at dances, parties, night clubs, and similar activities. When people become older such activities are far less attractive and may, if indulged in too much, become boring. If the husband is considerably older and he and his wife do what he wants, she may miss out on a phase of her experience which, rightly or wrongly, she may always regret. If they do what she enjoys most, he is being dragged through the same experiences twice, perhaps after he is eager to go on to something else. A compromise may work out. On the other hand, it may result in a type of social life which is satisfactory to neither of them.

A deeper phase of the same problem concerns one's atti­tude toward life. To those of less experience the problems of life seem much simpler than they actually are. Young people are quite likely to feel that the older generation must be knaves or fools, or they would long since have abolished war, poverty, industrial strife and mosquitoes.

Older people, on the other hand, often find the enthusiasms of youth amusing. They may tolerate them in their children, but do not want them in a spouse. If the age difference is so great that the wife regards her husband as an old fogy, and the husband thinks of his wife as a simple child who spends too much effort and time in things that do not matter, the situa­tion is not favorable to a successful marriage.

Yet the fact that a marriage is risky does not necessarily mean that it should not be attempted. Since in most parts of the country a desirable man can usually find a girl who is about his own age to marry him, he rarely need risk the greater chance. But the girl is often less favorably situated. In many instances, if she does not take an older man, she will not be able to find one who is suitable at all. Furthermore, other considerations may make the older man far preferable to someone who is younger. One young lady of twenty-five who was marrying a man twice her age strongly stated that she would rather marry a first-class man of fifty than a third-rate man of thirty. There could be other advantages to such a union. The girl who marries an older man has a better chance of knowing what she is getting. In any case, the most important consideration is not age, but maturity. Younger people who are more mature than most of their contempo­raries may actually find an older mate to be more congenial. Yet a preference for a much older mate should be scrutinized with great care. The danger is that the older person is psychologically a substitute parent, rather than a mate. We shall consider this problem more at length in the chapter on Mental Health (p. 143).

17. Can you pull your own weight?

The question of marriage with those who have physical disabilities presents a special problem with which we shall not be concerned here. Furthermore, those who may require some physical help may otherwise be unusually self-reliant and far less helpless in the total marriage relationship than some of the able-bodied. We recognize, too, that girls who are actually competent and able sometimes play the "helpless" role because they feel that it will make them more appealing to men. Our concern here is with the competence of those without physical disabilities.

As we have indicated, marriage is not a prolonged party, but a serious job involving real responsibilities. Being ready for marriage means, first of all, that you can take care of yourself. For various reasons, people may reach adulthood still unable to take care of themselves. Others, wishing to be "big, strong men," or wanting to give some man just the "mothering he needs" find such helplessness appealing, espe­cially if the helpless are "cute" or make them feel important. Such marriages are dangerous, not only because people usu­ally get tired of carrying others on their backs, but also be­cause we lose respect for the able-bodied helpless.

By helplessness we do not mean the absence of any par­ticular abilities and skills. The bride may face a stalled car in hopeless resignation, and the groom may have not the slightest idea what to do with an uncooked steak. Few of us have at the time of marriage all the skills and abilities which would be desirable. Here we mean a general attitude of lying down before most situations and expecting others to assume full responsibility for almost everything. We do not blame people for such a lack. They may be deficient through no fault of their own. Neither do we imply that they are in­curable.

They may be incompetent because they have always had servants or indulgent parents to do everything for them. In time they might learn to stand on their own feet. We do say that as long as they are not able to take care of themselves adequately they are not ready for marriage.

Success in marriage requires not only the ability, but a willingness to do a fair share of the work. Dolly and Harold were practically engaged until they were together for several days at a house party in which the work was divided up among the group. Harold proved to be a past master at being somewhere else when there was work to be done, or getting someone else to do his work, or appearing to be very busy while doing nothing. She had no desire to be a squaw for the rest of her life, doing all the work while her lord lolled in idleness. So marriage with Harold was "out," and Dolly was grateful for the experience which had given her ample warn­ing. Any person who habitually leaves most of the work to others is not mature enough for marriage. A person ready for marriage enjoys responsibility, and willingly accepts his share of the load.

18. Are you both sufficiently disciplined with reference to money and property?

Peggy was good-looking, attractive and amazingly skilled in developing convincing "hard luck" stories. In consequence she was able to "mooch" quantities of clothes and consid­erable money from kind friends. Yet she was always destitute. If she had money, she was without sales resistance and bought anything which attracted her.

Hence she was always "broke." She never could be kept in clothing. Whenever she got anything new she wore it at once, even to work in the garden, or walk in the rain. When it became soiled or torn a bit, instead of cleaning or repairing it, she would throw it out.

Then she would either dress in the rags which she had left, or "mooch" something more. In the matter of money and property, Peggy was still a little girl and despite her twenty-five years, unready for the responsibilities of adult life in marriage. In this same category we should include also the "easy-come, easy-go" group; people who earn plenty of money but never have any. Gamblers and "dead beats" and others always looking for ways to pick up easy money which does not have to be earned, and "escape artists" who are always just about to do something big which they never ac­complish, likewise illustrate an immature irresponsibility which shows lack of readiness for marriage. It is not always fair to blame such people, any more than we would blame a ten-year-old boy for being unable to do a man's work. But whether or not irresponsible people are to blame, they cer­tainly are not ready for marriage.

A later chapter will discuss the whole problem of finances. At this point we wish only to summarize the essentials for marriage. Before you marry you should make sure that:

1. You can keep your own clothing and other things neat, clean, and in good repair.
   
   
2. You are a good credit risk. Buy only what you can afford, and accept full responsibility for your debts and other financial obligations.
   
   
3. Under ordinary circumstances,  you can live within your income, no matter how small it may be.

19. Are you socially adequate?

When you marry, regardless of how old or young you may be, people will expect you to act as a responsible adult. They will expect you to be reasonably reliable, to greet people and behave acceptably in public, and to observe the ordinarily expected standards of adult behavior. These standards will differ, depending upon the group to which you belong. The next chapter will consider problems which arise out of a variation in such standards. But before you marry you should know and be able to conform to the demands of the particu­lar group or circle in which you will move.

20.  Are you vocationally competent?

In the eyes of most people, this question will apply mainly to the man. In our culture, the husband is expected to earn the living for himself, his wife, and their children. At one time it was believed that any man "worth his salt" could provide adequately for his family. Poverty in a family in which there was an able-bodied husband was regarded as the result of shiftlessness and laziness. We now know better. Due to circumstances beyond the control of any individual, such as bad business conditions and depressions, able and competent men may be unable to secure employment. This pos­sibility is a risk which anyone who marries must be willing to take. The couple should demand of the prospective hus­band only that he should be able to hold down a suitable job, if one is to be had. Exceptions to this rule can safely be made, also, for those who are in training, including students, even though at the time of marriage they are not yet earning a living.

The idea of what constitutes a suitable living will vary with the individual. Florence was brought up in a fairly well-to-do family. She has been used to having almost anything she wanted without question. Her boy friend, Jeffrey, is a fine man but without especial abilities or ambitions. He will make a good, steady husband, and will earn enough to supply a family modestly. He will never be able to earn the kind of money which Florence will demand. Her father could give Jeffrey a well-paying position in the firm. But he could not do the work satisfactorily. He would either have to live on a kind of charity, or face frustration and defeat. They were both wise in seeing the situation, and calling the whole thing off. Tom, another friend, could earn what Florence requires. But he wants to become a college professor, and would not be happy doing anything else. So neither of them will let things go too far. They may be genuinely fond of each other, even to the point of love, but they both understand that marriage to each other is not in the picture.

Do not think of vocational competence as a matter only for the husband. The wife, too, has a vocation. Her job, if well done, may require quite as much as that of her husband. Household management, shopping efficiently, planning de­sirable menus, cooking well and providing for the needs of an entire family on limited amounts of money require voca­tional competence. The proper raising of children, which is usually her major responsibility, requires even more ade­quacy, as we shall later consider.

There is yet another aspect of her vocational situation. In an increasing number of households wives work outside the home to help with the family income. Problems connected with this situation we shall discuss more fully in Chapter V. Furthermore, the young mother should be able, in case of the death of her husband, to earn a living for both herself and her children. In most cases the amount of insurance will not be more than enough to keep the family going until she can adjust herself and find suitable employment. Every young person, male or female, married or single, should be able to earn a living.

21. How important is education?

Many of our smartest and ablest men have had little schooling, and some men with degrees are quite stupid about some aspects of life.

Yet formal schooling does have im­portant advantages, such as the following:

1. Social standing. Family and money may be socially im­portant.Yet the person with education has more standing than he would have without it, and up to a certain point, the greater his education the higher his social standing.
   
   
2. Greater vocational opportunity and, generally, higher income. It is true that some milk drivers get more than most college professors, and that a coal miner who works regularly tops ninety percent of our clergy. Yet on the whole, more education means more income.  Many vocations,  such as medicine, law, dentistry, and engineering are completely closed to the man without special training, and other voca­tions are rapidly adopting educational requirements. Whatever may have been the situation in the past, today the man without special training is at a decided vocational disadvantage.
   
   
3. Basic understanding for effective living. Education can mean a better understanding of people and of the world we live in. In times past the olitician, the taxi driver and the reporter may have understood life better than the psychologist and the sociologist. The business man often knew better what was coming than did the economist. This day is passing. We are developing a considerable body of tech­nical, scientific knowledge about institutions and people. Those who are not so trained lack the basic understandings essential to effective living. Superior intelligence and alert­ness may, in part, compensate for lack of schooling. But do not let this fool you. The wisdom of the man who has only his own eyes and experiences is a limited wisdom which can­not function effectively in the kind of world which young people face today.
   
   
4. Success in marriage. The higher the educational level, the greater the chance for success in marriage. High school graduates divorce less frequently than do those of less schooling. College graduates stay married longer and more happily than others.

In education as in many other matters, it is better if both are about equal. Bill, who had never been beyond the eighth grade, and had few intellectual interests, passed up girls of his own educational level in favor of Mary. For Mary had been to college, and read "intellectual" books. After their marriage he introduced her proudly to his friends, just as he might have shown off a ball-glove once used by Babe Ruth, or a personal letter from Tommy Dorsey. But before long, trouble began to develop. The wives of Bill's friends felt inferior and ill-at-ease in Mary's presence. She tried hard to be friendly and pleasant. But they always had the feeling that she was critical of their grammar and pronunciation, and began to feel that she was "stuck up." Naturally, Mary felt thwarted and hurt. Since she had no one with whom to share her intellectual interests, she felt isolated and alone. As time went on, she and Bill began to sense their lack of some important bases for companionship. He began to feel inferior about his own lacks, and tried to cover it up by be­ing tough and sensitive. Whenever they were together, espe­cially in company, she had to devote most of her attention to avoiding hurting his feelings. Neither dared to relax and be himself, which is no way to enjoy a marriage relation­ship. Bill would have been far better off with a girl more like himself, with whom he felt fully at ease, and who would have fitted in better with his crowd. Because women are some­times in an unfavorable bargaining position, a girl may have to take the man she can get, even though he is not her edu­cational equal. With rare exceptions, this will not be true of the boy.

In this country almost anyone who wants education can get as much as he can handle. It is no disgrace if people do not want advanced schooling. Some young people ought not to go to college, yet may be quite as good as those who gradu­ate. But they, like others, should usually marry within their own educational level without blaming their situation upon lack of opportunity. Certainly you should not use a promise to get more education after you marry, to persuade another to accept you. If you had to choose between a wholesome per­sonality and character on the one hand, and education on the other, by all means choose the first. But any essential per­sonality and character qualities can usually be found in someone of your own general educational level.

28. Are you qualified for parenthood?

Figure it this way. If you marry you may have a baby within a year, whether you now plan it that way or not. Are you ready to accept a baby if it should come, regardless of your present plans?

Do you now have the discipline and ma­turity which caring for a baby requires? If not, you are not yet old enough to marry.

Here is what you are up against. However carefully you may plan to avoid children during the first years of your marriage, and however well-informed you may be on how to do it, slips do occur. A second possibility is that you may change your mind. Some couples find so much happiness and joy in their marriages that they scrap their plans and decide to have their children right away. You, also, may feel, "Everything is so wonderful. Why should we wait for our babies?

Being old enough means, first of all, physical maturity. You are not likely to have any trouble here. A few couples marry knowing in advance that it will never be possible for them to have children. These are special cases to which our discussion does not apply. The bride for whom motherhood is a reasonable expectancy should be sufficiently developed physically to be able to bear children with reasonable safety.

Couples are more likely to be too young at the point of personality and emotional maturity. Taking care of a baby requires developed and disciplined responsibility. If you still want to play around all the time and would resent being tied down, you are not yet ready. It is certainly all right for the married couple to want to continue to enjoy dances, parties and other social festivities after marriage. The question is, "Could you give them up without undue strain, if you had to?" Remember, taking care of a small baby is often an around-the-clock job. Even with the help of your mother and baby sitters, you will be tied down closely for some time. Your day of social fun may not be over, but it certainly will be different. Could you both take it if necessary?

How can you know? Certainly love of good times does not necessarily indicate a lack of discipline. Madge Brown was always chasing around, apparently without a serious thought in her head. But after she married and had her baby she became not merely a devoted, but a highly satisfied mother. On the other hand, Priscilla seemed to be the quiet, re­sponsible type. Yet she deserted both her husband and her ten-month-old baby. In evaluating yourselves on this matter of discipline, ask yourselves such questions as the following:

Have we a good record for following through on our re­sponsibilities? If either or both of you has a record of duck­ing responsibilities, letting other people do most of the work, pushing off jobs on others, better wait. If, on the other hand, you both see through anything you undertake, this is a favor­able sign.

Can you both stand on your own feet? Those who must still be taken care of, whether economically, emotionally or physically, are not old enough for marriage. On the other hand, the girl who can organize and promote parties suc­cessfully may well be ready for the job of organizing and running a home with a baby in it.

Finally, not only can you, but do you want to assume the responsibilities of marriage and parenthood? Many young people who have come through well when the test came still wish that they had waited just a year or so longer, and en­joyed the freedom and lack of responsibilities of single life just a bit more, before stepping off into the different realm of marriage.

Successful parenthood requires sufficient emotional ma­turity so that your influence on your children will be good. We do not expect parents to be perfect. They should be grown-up enough so that they will not have to take their own negative feelings out on their children too much. How much is "too much," and what being emotionally mature means, we shall discuss more fully in a later chapter.

In Summary

Those who are called into the armed forces, or take cer­tain jobs in industry, do not always have to be skilled in the work which they will be called upon to do at the time of enlistment. Many things we can learn on the job or by spe­cial training. People do have to be sufficiently developed and mature so that they can take the training and the discipline which may be required. So it is with marriage.

Getting mar­ried is not like starting out on a picnic. It means taking over a real job. You will not have all the skills which it requires to begin with, but you both should be sufficiently grown-up so that you can learn the skills as required, and discharge the responsibilities which the new relationship demands.

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