How Suitable Are You to Each Other?

Who is a right person for you?

Why is a similarity of social background so important?

Are you from the same racial group?

Are you from the same cultural group? If not, is it safe to go ahead?

Are you from the same general religious background?

Are you from the same social class? What difference does it make?

mixed marriages are so risky, why are there so many?

Are you from the same or different social crowds? What crowd will you go with after your marriage?

Eventy years ago, when Harry, Allen and Susie Robinson decided to get married, they did not have any books to help them. They had no professional premarital counseling. And yet they and their generation de­veloped far more stable families than we do today, with all our books, counseling and scientific knowledge. Why?

In the first place, they had a much better chance of marry­ing "our kind of folks." In Grandpa's day the range of selec­tion for most young folks was about as far as Dobbin could travel and get back the same day—probably less than ten miles. Within this radius there were only about twenty avail­able girls among whom Harry Allen could choose. Most of these were from his general background. The few who were not, he knew about. Today a girl from Portland, Oregon meets a boy from Portland, Maine while both are on vaca­tion at Biloxi, Mississippi. Because so many of us now live in big cities, and because of greater possibilities for travel, the number of available mates a young person might meet runs into the hundreds. Furthermore, many of these are not suitable, because of very different backgrounds. Yet super­ficially they look, behave, and generally act alike. The prob­lem of choice was certainly a whole lot simpler in Grandpa's day.

Secondly, both Harry and Susie understood what marriage meant at that time, far better than most young people know what it means now. When Susie said "Yes" to Harry, she knew what she was getting into. What is more important, she had learned from her mother how to handle it. She could not only bake a pie, Billy Boy, but also tend a garden, raise chickens, make clothing, and manage a household. She and Grandpa would never have dreamed of discussing sex. But both of them had been brought up on farms where animals were bred. In some ways they knew more about it than their less inhibited grandchildren.

They also knew each other and each other's families well long before they were called upon to "know" each other in the Biblical sense. Both their families had lived in the same town since before they were born. There was little about any family which was not publicly understood. Harry knew what the whole town knew, that Susie's Aunt Jane had run off with a man not her husband, and was now living some­where in New York with her twelve-year-old son, supported in part by Brother Jo, who was Susie's father. Harry's Aunt May, who was "not too bright," lived in the same town with an unmarried brother, with no attempt to conceal either her mental limitations or her relatedness. Everybody knew that Harry's mother had "not been the same" since her youngest son died, and that Susie's father sometimes drank too much hard cider and was not too reliable. Yes, our grandparents knew, not only the persons whom they married, but often the characters and even the emotions of their in-laws.

Finally and perhaps most important, they demanded far less of their marriages. Life was hard, and often a rather grim business. The most important task was to secure basic physical necessities. Marriage might have its moments of romance and emotional glow, but its main function was to produce things, especially things to eat.

Husbands and wives no more thought of demanding glamour of each other, than a farmer of today would demand it of his tractor. They might appreciate beauty in each other, as in their animals and their land, but the function of them all was primarily to produce.

The relative stability, plus the romantic portrayals of mar­riage in the past, have caused many to overestimate the de­sirability of the "old-fashioned home." Yet the absence of divorce is not the same as success. There is another side to the picture. As Thornton Wilder has so skillfully portrayed, the atmosphere of Our Town was constricted and arid; its people emotionally malnourished. The peculiarities and per­sonality quirks so vividly and truly described by such nov­elists as Dickens and Mark Twain were amusing to our fathers. But these authors themselves sensed what we are just now beginning to realize, that humor is often the dis­torted mask of tragedy. If they wrote truly of their times, serious personality distortion was tragically common. Of course personality, good and bad, is a product of an entire culture, not of the family alone, but the family is a major influence. Our ancestors were less successful in their family life than many have supposed. But we must get back to the problems of the people of today.

Harry Allen's grandson faces a far more difficult problem of mate selection. Within a ten-mile radius of Harry's home lived about twenty available girls. The grandson lives in a big city, and within a ten-mile radius of his home are more than twenty thousand marriageable girls. Furthermore, be­cause of modern transportation, the size of the radius can be expanded indefinitely. Harry knew which of the girls were "his kind of folks." His grandson finds it very difficult to know the background and the family of the girls he meets, and how they look at, think and feel about life. Yet such knowledge of those whom we are considering marrying is as important as it ever was.

Young folks of today have another problem which adds to their difficulties of selection. They expect so much more from marriage. Susie demanded only that Harry be reason­ably decent and a "good provider." Harry demanded little more than competence in the garden and in the kitchen. We of today demand much more. We expect that the person whom we marry will be able to make us happy. Living in big cities among thousands of people who never really know us, makes us hungry for intimate companionship.

When we marry we demand of each other a kind of intimate feeling interaction which is far more difficult to get than anything expected by our grandparents. And to complicate matters, Hollywood glamour pictures give us absurd ideas of the romantic bliss which we feel that marriage should give.

Yes, marriage selection today is difficult and full of chal­lenge. How can you know what you will want in a wife or husband years from now? How can you know what he or she will be like at the very time when your mate will be most important to you? Furthermore, even if you do know what you may want, how can you know that you are getting it? The following questions may help you to decide.

23. Who is a right person for you?

Some people, because of character or personality defects, ought not to marry anybody. We shall leave a discussion of this problem for later chapters. We will assume that you are both sufficiently developed for marriage, and could make a success if you married a right person. You now face the ques­tion, "Are we right for each other?"

Note that we have said a right person, not the right per­son. The notion that there is and can be only one right person is obviously nonsense. If either of you had been born a century ago you could never have met, and even if you came from a different town, or a different part of the town, you might never have met. If one or the other of you had been born a few years earlier or later, you probably would not have been interested in each other matrimonially if you had met. Actually there are probably many persons, with any one of whom you could be happily married. Yet not all of these would be equally suitable. The best way to re­view this problem is to have in mind a suitability scale. The following discussion is intended to help you in this matter. Everyone comes to marriage as a particular kind of person, with a particular kind of background, interests, ideals, de­sires, tastes, and needs. Because he is the kind of person he is, not every worthy person of the opposite sex would be suitable. To simplify our discussion we will consider the problem from the standpoint of a young man, confident that our women readers will be able to make their own applica­tions. For every male eligible, all the available girls in the world would range somewhat as follows:

1. Ideal suitability. There are perhaps a dozen girls in all the world with any one of whom marriage to this particular young man would be ideal through the years. It would be far from "perfect." Even in the best possible marriage he would not be happy all the time.

There would be, depend­ing upon his and her temperament, a certain amount of clash and conflict. And the always pleasant, sweet-tempered girl might prove far less enriching and enjoyable than the one who, because she had a mind of her own, could bring a cer­tain spice and zest into the relationship.

The chances of our young man marrying this ideal mate are almost nil. With only a dozen or so possibilities in the whole country he would not likely ever meet one of them, partly because one would live in Kalamazoo, another in Boston, another in Sacramento, and another on the other side of town. In the second place, if the one chance in ten million actually happened and they did meet, he would probably not even recognize her, and she might not accept him. The qualities which attract young people in their twen­ties and cause them to "fall in love" with each other are often very different from those which can bring enduring satisfactions. Our young man would probably pass over this "ideal" for him in favor of someone with a cute nose, or "come hither" eyes. In all the course of history, ideal unions have doubtless actually taken place. Perhaps the Curies and the Brownings approached it. But the possibilities of any young person finding and selecting a best possible mate are so slight that they may be disregarded. So let us turn to the next stage on the scale.

2. Unusual suitability. Here is something much more possible. Where there were only about a dozen girls who would be ideal, there may well be a thousand or so who would be unusually suitable for his particular personality. Most of these he would, of course, have no opportunity of meeting. But if he lived in a town of any size, there might well be one or two within range. Even then he might not get to meet her, or would find that someone else had beaten him to it. Or he might pass over unusual suitability for more superficial and temporary  attractiveness.We are dealing here with something which for a few is within the range of possibility. For most it is unlikely.
   
   
3. High suitability. By this we mean a person who would be well adapted to a happy and satisfactory relationship. Here is something which is beginning to be really possible. Let us assume that our young man lived in a town in which there were about a thousand available girls. Of these, none would be ideal, and only two or three would be unusually suitable. But of this number there might well be some twenty or thirty who would be highly suitable for him. None of these might be in his high school or social group, or belong to his church. To find a highly suitable mate might require careful and extensive search. One way of doing this would be to find the particular groups and activities to which such a person would naturally be attracted. If he lived in a small town, he might have to move to where the chances for selection were better, not necessarily a larger place, but a different kind of place. Suppose that the man would be best suited by a quiet homebody who would be a loyal, stable, and efficient housewife, and willing to bear children. Such a man might well find a better selection in a small Iowa town than in Chicago or New Orleans. Not everyone could, by searching, find someone of high suit­ability who would be willing to marry him. But for many, high suitability is a real possibility if they are willing to make the effort.
   
   
4. Good suitability. If our young man is reasonably normal himself, there are many girls with whom he could get along well. While only two or three percent of the girls of his community might be highly suitable, ten to fifteen percent might be well suited to him. He has a good chance of finding one such in his own high school class or church, or among his immediate acquaintances. He may have to go outside his own group. But his chances of finding someone of good suitability who will accept him are excellent. No man alert and interested enough to read this book should be willing to settle for anything less. Since girls are usually in a less favorable bargaining position, a few of them may have to.
   
   
5. Reasonable suitability. Most normal people could get along with most other normal people of their own culture reasonably well. Evidence for this is to be found in the low divorce rate which prevailed in this country until recently. As we have pointed out, for most young people in this country during its first century, choice was decidedly limited. Yet because of this very fact, both of the couple usually came from essentially the same cultural background. Therefore the chances for reasonable suitability were high. Add to this the rather limited expectations which each had of the other, and we  see  an  important  contributing  cause   to   marital stability. If he would drop his expectations sufficiently, our young man might find over half the girls in his own social group to be reasonably suitable. They might be a bit boring and dull. But if he demanded no more than did his ancestors, he could get along fairly well. The trouble is that today both he and his mate demand much more than reasonable suitability. They expect highly satisfying personal relationships. Rightly or wrongly, most marriages today will not "get by" with reasonable suitability.
   
   
6. Possible suitability. In this classification we have those who are good material, but not suitable for this particular young man. If he were to marry such a person, the relation­ship would be a serious strain upon them both. Yet they could, if they were willing to pay the price, stick it out. Many couples have. They have nothing against each other. They are just not happy together. And yet for the sake of respectability, or the children, or religious convictions they stick it out. We shall not here say whether they are right or wrong. But certainly those who are not yet married should use every precaution to avoid marrying a person, however suitable for someone else, with whom married living would be a heavy strain.
   
   
7. Basic unsuitability. Success in marriage requires certain character and personality qualifications. Those who lack this minimum could not live successfully as married part­ners with anyone. Some of these essentials are well under­stood. Our young man is not likely, knowingly, to marry a crook or a tramp. But other types of unsuitability he may understand less well. The girl who pouts so cutely, who is unusually appealing, may actually be an emotional infant who never has grown up, or never can. We will discuss the character and personality traits essential to success in mar­riage more fully in later chapters.

24. Why is a similarity of social background so im­portant?

On one point practically all studies of success in marriage agree. The more similar their social background, the greater chance a couple will have for success, and the easier and hap­pier will be their adjustments. The problem can be likened, in some respects, to that of language. You might associate for a time with someone speaking another language just because you found it interesting, or because you wished to learn their language. But in permanent association the problems of ad­justment will be much easier with your own group.

For example, if a large number of men speaking different languages were to get jobs in which they must work to­gether, it will be easier on all concerned if each elects to join those of his own language. The Spaniard who chooses to work with a Spanish-speaking group does not thereby imply that he thinks his language is better than French, or Russian, or Chinese. He merely means that he will have a less dif­ficult time, and be under less of a strain if he and those with whom he works speak the same language. So it is with mar­riage. For this is a job which often puts those who work to­gether at it under considerable pressure. The more they can speak the same language in their backgrounds and standards, the more satisfactory will be the relationship and the better job they will do.

Your own group may not be bet­ter than other groups, but it is usually better for you.

The discussion which follows will consider the major kinds of intermarriage and the problems which arise because of them. We shall begin with what is in our culture the most extreme form—racial intermarriage.

25.   Are you from the same racial group?

The whole subject of interracial marriage involves strong emotional tones and many misconceptions. Therefore we must begin by a clear statement of important relevant facts:

1. Racial differences in abilities and character are results of environment and conditioning. They are not inborn. If we wanted to, we could take all our people over five feet ten inches in height and make a separate group out of them. We could call them by some special name, such as "Gigants." We might even convince ourselves and them that they were a different "race." Then, by treating them differently, we could actually make them different from the rest of us. If we denied them equal educational advantages and kicked them around enough, we could prove by scientific tests that the Gigant was intellectually inferior, more criminally in­clined, and more sexually lax. "Would you want your daugh­ter to marry a Gigant?" Actually it would be as absurd to talk about "the" Gigant (as though all of them were essen­tially the same) as it is to talk about "the" Negro, "the" Jew, or "the" white man.

2. Social attitudes, however misleading or false in them­selves, are realities of vital importance in the selection of a life partner. Let us see how this works out in this matter of interracial marriage.

It sometimes happens that persons of different races fall in love with each other. There is nothing unnatural about this. "It can happen here"—to anyone. What about marriage?

There are customs, and in some states laws that place re­strictions upon who can eat together in public places, who can stay in hotels, travel in public conveyances, and the like. Sum­mer resorts and exclusive clubs often draw the line closely. Marriage across interracial lines, even when not forbidden by law or ironclad custom, is thus made exceedingly difficult by the culture in which we live. Why?—not because one or the other person is racially inferior, for this is not true. But be­cause love between two persons is never the only basis for successful marriage. The social situation has to be taken into account. The two will have to go to great pains to foresee the problems in which marriage would involve them, and it is especially important to consider the children that may come to them.

In the face of these considerations, the two young people may conclude that marriage for them is not wise.

26. Are you from the same cultural group? If not, is it safe to go ahead?

For reasons which we will not here discuss, groups from northern Europe are generally regarded by Americans as hav­ing the same general culture. Marriage with them constitutes no special problem.

The American who marries a Dane, for example, even one who speaks little English, risks nothing more serious than a bit of good-natured joshing. But our atti­tude toward those who come from other parts of Europe is quite different. Young people who face the question of cul­tural intermarriage should ponder the following:

1. The most serious issue which the young couple face is acceptance by their families and friends. The hotel manager may not know nor care that Joe Spalin, who married Kate Jones, was once Spellini. But the Jones family and all their friends back in Middletown will know. It may make considerable difference where the couple plans to live. If they move to a large cosmopolitan center, or even to a small town not prejudiced at this particular point, they may have little difficulty. Each couple must reach their own decision on the basis of their particular attitudes and situation.
   
   
2. For the couple themselves, the main problems of adjustment may lie in the group customs of their backgrounds. The Spellinis are fond of spaghetti and meat balls, which Kate Jones detests. They have always served beer and wine in their home, while Kate came from a temperance family. The Spellini old folks are fat, dowdy, and "unconventional" in ways which shock the careful, prim Jones family. Can Joe and Kate stand each other's customs? This may depend largely upon their own temperaments. In artistic culture, and in taste for good music, the Spellings may be far superior to the Jones tribe. If Kate is appreciative and alert, she may find her relationships with her in-laws an interesting and worth­while experience. Joe may actually welcome the rather stuffy conventions of Kate's folks. These are points which they should carefully consider before they marry.

Intermarriage between Jew and gentile constitutes a par­ticularly difficult form of this problem. The major problem is cultural, not religious. Liberal Protestants are often far closer to liberal Jews theologically and ecclesiastically, than they are to Catholics or even orthodox Protestants. The prob­lem is especially serious because the feeling against Jews is more widespread and intense than it is against any other cultural group. On their side, and partly as a reaction to outside pressure, Jewish groups maintain their own loyalties and solidarities with greater intensity than do any other large cultural groups in America. The Gentile member of the couple may find himself quite as vigorously rejected by the Jewish community. Before deciding, here are some con­siderations which the couple should most carefully examine:

a.        Much depends upon the attitudes of the families and friends in the particular situation. If those who are related to the marriage are intelligent, liberal, and eager for better cultural relationships, the marriage may be able to withstand the pressures and difficulties. But if both or even one social group is bigoted, the young people had best seek someone from their own cultural group.

b.       The problem would be greatly lessened if one would merge with the group of the other. If the Gentile could and would give up his Gentile connections and accept the Jewish group as his group, or if both would join a liberal church and establish their main social relationships there, it would greatly simplify the problem. And yet if either had strong family connections, such a switch might prove very difficult unless they moved to another town and did not visit their relatives much.

c.       In some instances they might solve the problem by identifying themselves with some special group in which cultural differences were ignored. Jacob and Florence, Jew and Methodist respectively, both came from the same small town. After their marriage they moved to a large city on the west coast. There they found and quickly established themselves as members of a rather sophisticated group of artists and "intellectuals" who ignored cultural differences. Here they found ample satisfaction for all their social inter­ests and needs.

When two persons from different cultural backgrounds are becoming interested in each other, all such possibilities should be thoroughly examined. They should come to defi­nite agreements on specific policies before they decide to marry. Such policies may have to be changed in the future. But if carefully considered they can be of utmost value in helping the young couple decide whether or not they should take the risk. For in cultural as in other matters, it is safer and usually less difficult to marry someone from your own group.

27. Are you from the same general religious background?

"I'm marrying him, not his church." You may think so, but you may find out later that you are terribly wrong. Some religious groups believe that they have not only the right, but the duty to interfere in the married lives of their mem­bers. In the baptism of the children, in the religious instruc­tion and church relationships of the children, and in any matter regarded as related to morals, such as Sabbath ob­servance or birth control, some church groups intrude ac­tively and often with serious results. Furthermore, the church is not just an organization. For Mary and Jim it is also

Momma, Poppa, Uncle Jim and perhaps some old friends who can and often do bring considerable pressure to bear. Remember, too, that many parents give up their children with considerable reluctance. Religious differences give them a very satisfactory excuse for continuing their hold upon their children. It is no wonder, then, that breakups in inter-religious marriages were shown by one study to be two-and-a-half times as great as when the marriage was with one of the same faith. Those who contemplate marrying across re­ligious lines should carefully stop, look, and listen before proceeding.

What is an interreligious marriage? The vast majority of Protestants belong to about a half dozen main church groups. Between most of these there is so little difference that a marriage across denominational lines is not an interreligious marriage as we here understand the term. Serious problems are likely to arise only in interfaith marriages.

Catholic-Protestant. Both Catholic and Protestant leaders recognize the seriousness of such unions, and often oppose them. If the marriage is by a Protestant minister, the Catholic will be dropped by his church. If it is by a Priest, the Prot­estant must renounce any control over the religious growth of his own children. And in matters such as the right of the couple to regulate the size of their own family by the use of contraceptives, the ideals of the two groups are directly in conflict.

Jewish-gentile. Although, as we have seen, the difference here is likely to be cultural, it may also be religious. If neither is orthodox, little religious difficulty is likely. But if either is orthodox, serious trouble can result. The orthodox Jew may find the unwillingness of the gentile to observe the Jewish rituals associated with the great holidays, and the ig­noring of Kosher, to be intolerable. The orthodox Chris­tian may feel that the person who has not accepted Christ is eternally lost, and bring heavy pressure on the Jew for conversion. Neither of these situations will contribute to the harmony of the marriage. The cultural aspects of the prob­lem, as we have seen, complicate the alliance still further.

Orthodox-liberal. Within Protestantism the teachings and pActices of such groups as Jehovah's Witnesses, Mennonites and Seventh-Day Adventists are sharply at variance with those outside that particular sect. Intermarriage may lead to strenu­ous efforts at conversion. The whole family or even the whole church may join. Differences in what is regarded as right and wrong—involving Sabbath observance, dancing, and similar conduct, can lead to serious friction. Within the major Protestant bodies there are both ultra-liberal and ultra-conservative wings. Even within one's own denomination, serious religious cleavages can result which threaten the marriage. Such possibilities should be considered carefully.

Church-important and church-not-important. John be­lieved strongly in the church, attended its services regularly and worked hard in its activities. Mabel belonged to the same denomination, but preferred to sleep or to go on trips Sundays. He resented her indifference. She put constant pres­sure on him to skip church and be with her on Sundays. The marriage of each would have been happier if they had se­lected someone more congenial at this point. But where church is important to both husband and wife, the chances for success are considerably increased.

On the other hand, Frank was a Catholic and Susan a Bap­tist, but neither of them cared about church or had attended for some time. They were married by a Justice of the Peace. After their marriage each continued to stay away from dif­ferent churches, just as they had before. Their families made no attempt to interfere. Their religious differences caused little difficulty.

If the couple are from different religious backgrounds, then, they should come to a clear decision on the following points:

Who, if either, will change his church relationships? If neither changes, where will each attend church, if at all? In what church, if any, will the children be reared?, Will we consult our relatives and friends beforehand?

The time to go over all such questions and make your de­cisions is not merely before the wedding, but before you become engaged. And through it all, keep in mind the fol­lowing question: "Since (in most cases) there are so many fine young people of my own group, why do I have to go outside it to find a life partner? Why add to my difficulties and increase my risk of failure?"

When young people deliberately select their mates, in­stead of just falling in love with someone who happens to be around, there will be fewer occasions for the difficulties and risks of interreligious marriages.

28. Are you from the same social class? What difference does it make?

Yes, we do have social classes here in America. They may not be as clearly defined as they are in England, or in India, but they are here, and they make a real difference in the selection of a life partner. Professor W. Lloyd Warner has classified Americans into three main classes; upper, middle, and lower. These groups show very real differences in such matters as morals, manners, customs, ideas, ideals, speech, political affiliation, and church membership. Class is deter­mined largely by who will accept whom. These distinctions are based mainly upon family. Money makes some difference, but is not most important. The wealthiest are usually not at the top, and the white-collar worker will often rate higher than a better paid manual worker. Other factors which determine status are vocation, part of the town lived in, re­spectability, and education. Except for the upper-uppers, these classes are not fixed by birth. Many people are able to pull themselves up a notch, especially from the lower into the middle classes. Occasionally a person steps down a place or two to where the strain is not so great.

Social class indicates how people "rate" in their com­munity. It has little to do with merit or worth. To call a social class higher or lower is not to say that it is better or worse. The "lower" classes are, on the whole, quite as moral and intelligent as those in the "higher" classes. Often they are more personable and better-looking. Therefore men espe­cially, and sometimes women, may prefer mates from a class "lower" than their own. Yet differences in social class can make a real difference to the success or the failure of a mar­riage.

If an upper-class boy marries a girl from a lower class, she may be accepted by his group. But if so, she must be willing to learn and to adopt the speech and many of the manner­isms and etiquette of his class. For a bright middle-class girl, this may not be difficult. She may be able to pick it up merely by being alert. But for a lower-class girl it can be difficult. Remember Shaw's Pygmalion, and the terrific struggle of the poor girl from the slums who was being taught to talk and act like a duchess? How can one learn in a short time, what one born in the class took many years to acquire? The task of overcoming the contrary speech and habits of a lifetime can put a strain upon the whole relationship which may prove more than it can endure. Christopher Morley portrays this vividly in his Kitty Foyle, the story of a working-class girl who finds the adjustments which she would be required to make in order to be accepted by Wyn Strafford's upper-class family intolerable.

Social acceptability may be important for vocational suc­cess. If a man is not to be handicapped in landing either jobs or business deals, he and his wife must usually be able to associate with those in his social class as equals. Under some circumstances this may mean being acceptable to the "right" clubs and social groups. Yes, this matter of class is important.

And don't forget the families. It might be better if all who married were required to be without living relatives. But since this does not seem feasible, the continued interest of the families is a fact which must be taken into consideration. Remember that neither you nor your parents can act toward each other as if they had not brought you up. And if Uncle Bill and Aunt Sue had fingers in the pie of your develop­ment, even emotionally, neither can they. If you can live far enough away from all relatives, you may be safer. But in these days of rapid communication, even this may not be enough.

The attitude of your families toward social class is one factor which you must, by all means, take into considera­tion.

Finally, there is yourself. You may think, in the glow of your fantasy, that love will cover all differences. You will better rely upon intelligent understanding. Because of the particular social class in which you have been brought up, each of you will come to marriage with definite ideas of what constitutes proper conduct and good taste. You are in for some shocks, in any case. But if you come from the same social class, each of you is more likely to behave as the other thinks proper. If you come from different classes, you are each likely to have habits which will add to the difficulties of the marriage adjustment.

In this matter of marrying one from a different social class, we are not saying "don't." We do say that it is usually better and possible to marry someone from your own social class and thus save yourselves trouble. If you do select someone from another social class you should both know what you are up against. The best way to know is for both of you to work out the adjustments which will be necessary. These adjustments should be made, certainly before you marry, and if possible, before you become engaged. Economic differ­ences are a special phase of this whole matter of class dif­ferences which we shall discuss later.

29. // mixed marriages are so risky, why are there so many?

How much effect will what we have just said have? Al­most every book and lecturer on marriage urges people to take them straight, not mixed. Powerful religious groups add solemn notes of warning. Scientific investigators give statis­tical under-girding to it all. Yet despite this combined weight of popular, ecclesiastical, and scientific authority, couples keep right on doing it. Why? Here are some reasons.

1. In some cases, a person from another group may actually be the best choice. Remember our scale of suitability? For some people, special and peculiar interests make it difficult to find anyone who is really suitable. For example, Fred, a Baptist student in a conservatory of music, had an extraordi­
   nary feel for music which was far deeper than that of his fellow students. He became acquainted with a Jewish girl of little education who had that same passionate feeling. Their very souls seemed to blend in this common interest. In this case the one thing in common was so powerful and so central, that other differences could safely be overlooked. The danger was that the interest was only the form of some psychological disturbance.
   
   
2. Serious psychological disturbances. Elsie is the attractive daughter of a college professor. While she was a student in college, several eligible men showed a decided matrimonial interest. But she made no response. Instead, one year after graduation, she fell violently in love with a Negro who had not gone beyond the eighth grade, and who himself was married and had five children. She persuaded him to divorce his wife and marry her. Obviously so serious a break with group standards at three vital points indicates some serious psychological disturbance. A thorough psychological analysis of her conduct would probably reveal strong feelings of resentment against her family or against society, or perhaps strong guilt feelings for some supposed sin for which she feels that she must punish herself. Of such feelings the girl herself would probably be unaware.
   
   
3. Repudiation of the family pattern. This is a less extreme form of the above. For reasons which we shall not develop here, children often become sick and tired of their whole culture and everything it stands for (so they think). Many books and plays portray a character (such as Higgins in Shaw's Pygmalion) who have been born and brought up "properly" in the best society, but take an almost satanic delight in puncturing the "affectations" (standards)   of their own group. We think that they are funny because the affectations which they ridicule are not the ones which we happen to hold dear. For such "social rebels" a person may be attractive because he is a member of another group. If the marriage is to succeed, however, he should have other qualifications, as well.
   
   
4. An improvement in position. We may wonder why the rich girl marries her chauffeur. But nobody wonders why the chauffeur married the rich girl. For the person in the lower social position, the marriage may represent a decided step up. On the other hand, the person who married "beneath" him does not necessarily lose his position.
   
   
5. It represents what is probably the best possible chance for the girl. Practically all eligible men can marry. But many of them do not. Because they will not, many girls cannot marry. A girl may face the sobering reality that for her, it must be a mixed marriage or none at all.
   
   
6. The individuals are just too lazy, or too impatient to look around and make a really proper selection. In most cases, especially with men, the mixed marriage does not represent any of the above. Many mixed marriages, for women as well as for men, occur because they are more convenient.

A girl once wrote to her army boy friend stationed in Aus­tralia, "What do the Australian girls have which I don't?" He replied, "Nothing, but they have it where I happen to be at the present time." The above principle may be quite satisfactory for dating. It is decidedly risky for marriage. For example, here is Vic. Vic has become well-acquainted with a girl who has quite a different religious and cultural background. It is easy to see what attracts him. She is breezy, vivacious, and has a fascinating smile and an alluring figure. She is decidedly less reticent and more approachable than the girls from Vic's background. There are a dozen or so girls who would be far more suitable for Vic if he would take the trouble to cultivate them. But he already is "in love" with the girl, and it would take him some time and trouble to transfer his affections. Vic's marriage, like that of thousands of other Vies, Bills, Susans and Ruths is mixed because he did not make the effort which a suitable selection would involve. Most mixed marriages are like this. They could and should be avoided.

30. Are you from the same or different social crowds? What crowd will you go with after your marriage?

If both of you are from the same social crowd, you should have little difficulty at this point after your marriage. You may just keep going around with the same crowd, or the married set which has come mainly out of the old crowd. If you move to another city where neither of you has friends, your problem can be relatively simple. Just establish your­selves as a couple with some crowd you both like. Problems arise when each has been running around with a different crowd to which they have become attached, and after mar­riage they remain in the same town.

For example, consider Jim and Mary. Mary's crowd is de­cidedly the "sporty" type. They swim, sail, play consider­able tennis and golf. Their conversations center about horse-racing, ball games, and tournaments. Jim's group is more the "artistic-intellectual" type. They are interested in novels, plays, paintings, and discuss international and social prob­lems with considerable zeal. We may well ask why Jim and Mary became interested in each other in the first place.

Perhaps each wanted somewhat more variety than he was getting. In any case, here they are, about to marry. They will continue to live in the same town. With which crowd shall they establish their common social life? Perhaps the best way to answer this question is to ask another.

What will make the choice of a social crowd important or unimportant?

The seriousness of this problem will depend largely upon such factors as the following:

1. The strength of the attachment which each has to his group. If Mary's crowd is just a group which she has picked up recently in order to have some fun for a time, she may be able to drop them with little concern. Or, if Jim is already beginning to be "fed up" with his group, he may welcome the excuse to let go. But what if Mary has gone with her crowd since early childhood, and their families have constantly moved in the same circles? Or what if Jim finds his crowd his only relief from what is to him the "moronic drivel" of most everyone else? If the attachments of each are too strong and no satisfactory adjustment seems likely, there is a real question as to whether they should marry each other. In any case, the problems and possibilities should be carefully reviewed in advance.
   
   
2. The extent to which social class is involved. If both groups are upper-middle class, for example, that will be one less thing to worry about. But what if Mary's crowd is upper class with definite status, while Jim's is a somewhat Bohemian crowd without definite status attachments, who do not "rate?"
   
   
3. Behavior standards demanded. What if Jim's group are strong on Martinis and "broad-minded" regarding sex conduct, while Mary's group emphasizes physical fitness, tem­perance, and rather strict sex standards? I£ they go with either or both crowds, even part of the time, each will be subjected to group pressure to change standards, a situation which could add much to the difficulties of the marriage. The same issue often arises in the conflicts in standards of other groups.

A church group may have quite as much fun, but very dif­ferent standards and ways of getting it from a "fast" group of another type.

If each member of the couple comes from a group whose standards conflict with those of the other group, the problem of social adjustment may prove to be really difficult. It is important that the couple should know the kinds of difficulties which they are likely to run up against, and to have at least temporary policies which they have agreed upon in advance, until more permanent ones can be worked out.

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