Family and Family Relationships

Why are family relationships important?

Were your own parents happily married? Your own home background happy?

What were your relationships to your parents?

How well do you know the family of the other?

What should you try to find out about each other's families?

If your inquiry into the family of the other is unfavorable, what then?

Do both families approve the marriage? If not, who disapproves and why?

How can you tell whether the objections raised by the families are valid?

31.   Why are family relationships important?

Each person is mainly a product of his family. The family has created him not only physically, but his character and his personality as well. Although wholesome development requires that he become separate and independent from his parents, stand on his own feet and assume control of his own life, he is still largely what his family has made him. The family is not only the factory in which each of us was built. In some respects it is the material out of which we were con­structed.

Therefore one of the best ways to know a person is to know his family. Someone has said, "The best way to pick a wife is to find a happy family and marry any one of the daughters." So extreme a statement requires qualifica­tions. But even taken literally it would result in a higher de­gree of success than the methods of choice now usually em­ployed. Here are some further questions you should both ask about each other.

32.   Were your own parents happily married? Your own home background happy?

In most of the studies which have been made so far, a happy home background stands out as one of the most important essentials for marital success. As Professor Nimkoff says, "Happiness begets happiness. It appears that those who are brought up in a happy home come to expect happiness and act in ways which produce it; they have the habits that make for happiness."

The Burgess and Cottrell study found that when both parties to a marriage come from very happy homes, their chances of making a good adjustment are more than twice as good as when both have come from average or unhappy families. These statistics carry both a warning and a hope. Over ten percent of those from happy homes made poor adjustments, and nearly three-tenths of those from homes not particularly happy made good adjustments. A happy home background does not guarantee success

Nimkoff, Meyer F. Marriage and the Family, Houghton Mifflin, New York, 1947, p. 44a

nor does an unhappy home background foredoom you to failure. If either or both of you come from unhappy home backgrounds, it means, not that you should refrain from marriage, but that you should exercise greater care, and work harder to make your marriage a success.

An important part of the question concerns the happiness of your own childhood. A commonly accepted myth makes childhood the happy period of life. Careful research and clinical experience has shown that the opposite is often true. Many childhoods have been periods of violently resented oppressions and terrifying fears. We know that the basis for personality is laid during the early years.

Therefore the hap­piness of your childhood is one important indication of your chances for success in marriage. Here, again, you are not guaranteed or necessarily doomed. But it is a matter to which you should give most careful consideration.

33. What were your relationships to your parents?

Studies indicate that a close attachment to parents without serious conflict, and yet without domination by the parents .best makes for future success in marriage, but if the weaning process does not take place, it can cause serious trouble.

"Then we left him flat." It was not the wife speaking, but her mother. The one sentence spilled the beans. If the couple had known before their marriage what a domineering mother could mean, they might have been able to handle the problem by themselves. If the mother had been aware of her own tendencies, she might have been able to let the couple alone. If she had gotten a job of her own, she might have felt it less necessary to meddle in the affairs of her married daughter. Fortunately the husband and wife knew enough to go to a counselor, who could interpret to them not only the mother, but the daughter. The harm of posses-siveness is not limited to the interference of in-laws. Even it the parents live in Patagonia or Paradise, possessiveness during childhood may have weakened the abilities of the children to handle their own affairs. If either of you has had a possessive parent it need not ruin your marriage. But watch out.

Our best scientific opinion is that parents should be neither too strict nor too permissive. The parent who is too strict may build strong resentments, encourage deceit and leave the child less capable of making decisions for himself. On the other hand, children need a certain amount of guid­ance, and to understand that there are limits beyond which they will not be permitted to go. The child who has been given too much freedom is often overindulged. More serious, he may face life always feeling uncertain as to the boundaries of proper conduct. The best situation is one in which the parents keep the child fairly well in line, and yet allow him considerable freedom to develop himself in his own way. How was it with the parents of you both?

The same principle holds true of severity. Parents who are harsh, vindictive and cruel build warpings and resentments into the personalities of their children. But those who are too "soft" do harm, also. The child who could always talk or smile his way out of anything, who could get his parents to do anything he wanted them to, has received a poor prepara­tion for the adjustments of marriage. Neither too harsh nor too "soft;" this is the best preparation for marriage.

Are there any respects in which you feel especially drawn toward your parents? Or especially rebellious against them? This is one of the most penetrating tests of their success in preparing you for the emotional problems of marriage. Points at which you feel especially drawn may mean grate­ful appreciation for a good job done. Or they may indicate where you are subconsciously dominated.

If you can, find out which is which, and where. Feelings of rebellion may indi­cate places where you have been marred. Watch these, so that you will not take them out on your own spouse or children.

If you can know what they are in advance, you can do much to safeguard the welfare of your family at this point.
Were your parents affectionate toward each other and toward you?

If so, give yourself five stars and rejoice. Grow­ing evidence indicates that in family life, lots of love is by far the most important consideration. Children can get along well without French governesses, private schools, and piano lessons. Of all the supposed "advantages" which parents want to give their children, none is as important, not even a good diet, as to have lots of love in the family, even when interspersed with an occasional battle. If you find a person who has been brought up in an essentially affectionate home, grab him (or her) quick. Few other qualifications for success­ful marriage are as important.

34. How well do you know the family of the other?

In some small towns, especially in the past, everybody knew everything about everybody, and there was little prob­lem at this point. Today most young people have little op­portunity to get acquainted with the family of the other. What can they do about this?

One way is to tell each other. This, if honestly done, can help give the other a better picture of the family situation. The main trouble is, that the method is of value only when people are essentially honest. Unfortunately it may be those who are least fitted for marriage who will give the most glowing accounts of their families. Even those who would prefer to be honest often face a difficult problem. For ex­ample, Joan has become deeply interested in Harry, who is a student with her in college. Actually her family is crude, uneducated and unpleasant. But should we expect her to tell Harry all this? She may, or if Harry is clever enough, he may be able to "read between the lines." But certainly there should be other sources of information.

Direct inquiry is another possibility. If a man who is to employ a secretary requires references, how much more so should the man who marries. The Chamber of Commerce may be able to give information on financial status and credit rating. A minister or high school principal might indicate how well the family is regarded in the community. Since most people are reluctant to put anything unfavorable in writing, one has to read what is omitted as well as what is said. A personal conference with those who know the family would be more reliable. In some extreme instances, young men have employed private investigators to report on girls in whom they were becoming interested, and their families. While this may be a bit extreme it does suggest the attitude which young people should take toward the selection of their mates. In any case the investigation should be quite as thorough as it would be for the prospective candidate for any responsible position.

Have you each visited in the home of the other? Nothing can take the place of personal visitation. Of course the family may rally and put on a "front." But if the visit is for a reason­able length of time, say two weeks, they should begin to relax and act naturally. In the meantime, getting acquainted in the community and with other members of the family should shed some light. Caution should be used. Families may have friends or enemies who present distorted pictures.

Younger brothers or sisters who have appreciative audiences have been known to relate the most fantastic fictions. Parents who wish to prevent the marriage of their children have been known even to slander their characters in order to break up the match, although such a desire is itself of great signifi­cance.

35. What should you try to find out about each other's families?

In all this investigation and visitation, what are we trying to find out? First and simplest, the educational, economic, and social level of the family. How far did the parents go in school? What is their attitude toward education? What is their social and economic level?

They may be spending be­yond their means, particularly if they want to impress the guest, or even far below their means. Their credit rating should clear up any questions here.

Less easy to find out, but far more important is the stand­ing of the family in the community. Are they generally re­garded as respectable and responsible? Here you must take care to distinguish between social position and moral stand­ards. Some people of the social elite, who have an unques­tioned financial standing, are unscrupulous scoundrels. Those who rate low socially and financially may actually be of the highest integrity and worth. These last are difficult to determine. But they are important.

Personal observation is one of the best ways of determining personality wholesomeness and mental health. Does every member of the family feel free to use the house, even when this means that it will be cluttered up a bit? Do the members have a real affection for each other? This is not the same as an absence of conflict. Families who fight openly are often more wholesome than those who conceal their hostilities be­hind a smoke screen of frigid courtesy. Yet conflict which is unduly violent or mean may be a danger signal. But if the family members are fundamentally honest with each other; if each one dares to be himself, even, at times, an unpleasant self, if on the whole they are living happily with each other, there is no better sign.

What about the skeletons? Practically all families have them. Uncle Jeff is an alcoholic. Aunt May is dissolute. Brother Mike has been in reform school. One problem with young people is that they often have no sound idea of what they may reasonably expect. Especially do they face the difficulty that the family which they have come to know well appears much worse than one about which they know little. Let them remember, too, that the present is more important than the past. The spirit which dominates the family now is more important than any past record. The family which em­bodies character, loyalty, happiness, and fun now has many signs of being a good risk.

36.  If your inquiry into the family of the other is un­favorable, what then?

You have conducted your inquiry. You have written to those who could give you information. You have visited in the home of the other and made investigations. Your con­clusion is unmistakable. The family is undesirable. What do you do now? Do you turn the boy (or the girl) down because of it, or do you follow through anyway?

If the individual you are considering is like the family, there should be no question. Al found Elsie to be pretty, vivacious and attractive. Investigation and visitation revealed that the family was deceitful, selfish, unpleasant, and un­happy. As Al became better acquainted with Elsie, he saw that she was like that, too. They had not become engaged, and gradually he shifted his interests elsewhere. Elsie stormed, begged and pleaded, which only confirmed his im­pression. He felt sorry for her, and recognized that she was not to blame for being what she was. But successful marriage cannot be based upon pity or charity. It would have been no kindness to her to go through with a marriage certain to fail.

Anna had a somewhat different experience. When she visited Tim's family she was almost engaged to him. But in the family she found a strong and apparently chronic under­current of resentments, selfishness, and pettiness. But Tim was basically unlike his family. Tim was fine and sensitive. He was basically honest, and rejected all the negative qual­ities of the family. She was quite right, in accepting him.

We call what Tim did "repudiating the family pattern." Most children follow the standards of their parents. They not only believe in, but tend to become what their parents are. But sometimes they do exactly the opposite. Children of fine, noble parents become scalawags. The son of a family noted for its honesty turns out to be an incorrigible thief. Yet it turns out the other way, too. A father was dismissed from the Judge's bench for corruption. His son vowed to redeem the family name and became an incorruptible and distinguished member of the United States Supreme Court. Children of parents who are sexually lax become rigidly strict in their own behavior. If the behavior of the family is deficient at some point, then you must ask yourself the following questions:

"Has the family treatment so damaged him as to make him unsuitable for marriage?

"Is he following, or repudiating the family pattern?"

If he is repudiating it, you will probably be safer at this point than with most others. The chances are, however, that he will follow the pattern. If he does, you must decide how important the issue is.

Will such thorough investigation spoil the relationship? This assumption is based upon the fallacy that investigation is a humiliating cheapening of a relationship.Nothing is farther from the truth. If a man applies at a bank for the job of sweeping off the walks, he may be hired with little investi­gation of his character or abilities. Little skill is required, and since he does not have access to other people's money, his honesty is not too important. But if a man wants to be a teller, that is a different proposition. He then expects the most rigid and thorough investigation of both his ability and his character. If he were being considered for the presi­dency of the bank, the investigation would be still more rigorous. In short, the extent and care of our investigation is an indication of how important we think the job is. Our investigation of prospective marriage partners shows, not humiliation, but the greatest honor which we can bestow upon them. Only those who have something to conceal should resent investigation. Others should feel flattered.

A second fallacy is that love is an adequate basis for trust. Here is, alas, the sad and oft repeated story. Many, many people have loved, trusted and married complete scoundrels. The real truth is this; we should be able to trust those whom we love and marry. And the only reliable way of being assured of this is a rigorous investigation of both them and their families, preferably before we become engaged.

The care with which the other person investigates you will be an excellent indication of his intelligence, character, seri­ousness of purpose, and determination to succeed in his mar­riage. The more rigorous the inquiry, the greater the chance for success.

37- Do both families approve the marriage? If not, who disapproves and why?

After all this discussion on your approval of the family, let us turn the problem around. What if the families do not approve you?

First of all you should know as accurately as possible the attitudes of both families toward the proposed marriage; not that all will agree. Dad approves heartily. Mom isn't so sure. Uncle Jeff approves. Aunt Kate is strongly opposed. Younger sister Sally is just simply thrilled.

The problem arises when there is strong opposition from either set of parents. According to our American mythology, strongly supported from Hollywood, parents who oppose a marriage are probably unreasonable ogres, trying to prevent the happiness of their children for at least stupid, if not selfish reasons. Yet many times, parents interfere to prevent marriages which are basically unsound and undesirable. Parents are not always skillful in their efforts to prevent such unions. Often their serious concern has come about twenty years too late. But many, many times they have been correct in their judgments, as their children have later gratefully acknowledged. If either family strongly opposes the marriage, then, do not assume that they are necessarily wrong. Instead, listen to what they have to say, and give the whole matter more serious consideration.

38. How can you tell whether the objections raised by the families are valid?

Here are some suggestions which may help you spot both the valid and the unsound objections:

1. Is the objection to this particular marriage, or to every prospective marriage? Some parents are unwilling to let go of their children. Some mothers discourage every suitor. Sometimes they do so by openly insulting them. Sometimes they act more cleverly by appearing to rush them into matrimony. If such measures fail, the parent may "get sick" and beg the child to postpone the marriage until after recovery or death. Recovery usually takes place quickly after the prospective marriage has been broken up.
   
   
2. Do the parents object because they have a candidate of their own? Ruth Brown, a girl of twenty, became engaged to a nice boy of twenty-two. Her father, a man of some wealth, insisted that she marry his business partner, a man of fortyfive, in order to keep the business in the family. Another man, disappointed in love himself, insisted later that his son marry the daughter of the woman whom he had loved. Parents may properly hope for, or even encourage a certain choice. But when there is strong insistence upon some particular one, the motives of the parents are open to suspicion.
   
   
3. The kind of objections raised, and the kind of personsapproved are the best indication of the validity of parental objections. While social class should be carefully considered, marriages can often safely cut across class lines. Mrs. S. was furious with her daughter because the young man to whom she had become engaged lacked "family" and wealth, al­though otherwise he was fine and desirable. She suggested as acceptable to her several notorious roues who "at least come from the right families." Such choices clearly indicated that she was interested, not in her daughter nor in the suc­cess of the marriage, but in her own social position.
   
   
4. What are valid bases of objection? We have already indicated several. If the children are under twenty, the parents have at least some semblance of right to object to any marriage on the ground of immaturity. If this objection per­sists too long, it is open to suspicion. If the social backgrounds and religious differences are marked, parents may object properly on the basis of suitability. Character and personality defects also are bases for valid objections.

What should the couple do if either set of parents objects? If they really are too young, they can wait. Otherwise they should go over the whole situation again carefully. In this they will do better if they have the aid of a good counselor. For he not only will be presumably better informed on some points than the parents, but less likely to be biased. But the final decision must be theirs.

Finally, before you feel too resentful or even impatient, try to look at yourself from the standpoint of your parents. The Metropolitan Life Insurance Company estimates that if your family has an income of $2,500 a year, it cost them about $10,000 to raise you until you were eighteen. Since this estimation is based upon the 1935-36 price level, it would be correspondingly higher today. If you had spent some $20,000 over a period of some twenty years in building something, and at a great cost in effort and worry as well as money, wouldn't you feel that you had a right to some say about what happened to it? Your parents have a tremendous investment in you both; in love and concern as well as in more material things. Their ideas of what is best for you may seem, or actually may be wrong. But that they should have a vital concern and express this concern, is both inevitable and proper. True parenthood requires that you not only be allowed, but encouraged to be a person in your own right. But intelligence as well as ethics require that you give full consideration to all legitimate interests and concerns of your parents.

Statistical Bulletin, July, September, October and November, 1943

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