About This Matter of Sex

Do you both know the essential physical facts about the sex organs of men and women?

Do you both plan to have an adequate physical examination?

What ideals and standards of sexual morality do you both hold? Have you discussed this matter fully, so that you know what to expect of each other before and after marriage?

Have you considered the relationship of venereal disease to a sound sex code?

Do you understand the purpose of sex in human life?

Do you appreciate the relationship of sex morality to sound family life?

How important are sex and sexual compatibility in the total marriage relationship?

How well do you understand the essentials for a complete sex experience?

How can you tell whether the other really holds to the sex standards which you regard as sential?

What if in the past the other has violated your stand ards?

one of you has had illicit sex relationships before marriage, should he keep quiet about it or "tell all?"

After you are married, what about "dates" with the opposite sex?

Courage will be know in history as the age which discovered sex. We discovered it in the sense that the "forty-niners" discovered gold in Cali­fornia. The human race had known about it long before. We had known about it. After all, we had some contact with animals, even in early childhood. Then all these babies who were being born all around us must have gotten started somehow. The old explanations of the stork or the doctor bringing the baby could not be kept up for long. As we grew older, whispered scandals added some notes of explanation. After all, our elders had to give us a certain amount of in­struction in order to tell us what we were not supposed to do. But all this information put together gave us only a par­tial and limited picture of the total place of sex in life. Most of what was known even then was kept from us by a combi­nation of evasions, and a rigid censorship of free discussion and education. Only recently have we begun to be free to teach and to learn "*He facts of life" in their larger ramifica­tions.

The result has been an almost complete reversal of at­titude within a generation. Once the dam was broken there began to pour forth a veritable flood of lectures, pamphlets and books which now leave little to the imagination. Sex is now declared to be not only wholesome, but within mar­riage, at least, very important and necessary. Some have even gone so far as to say that a marriage will stand or fall with the adequacy of the sexual adjustment. Yes, we have discov­ered sex with rather vigorous enthusiasm.

Discovery is not the same, however, as adequate knowl­edge. After Columbus discovered America it took nearly four centuries to explore what he had found. So it is with sex. Our generation may have discovered it, but the exploration of scientific knowledge has hardly begun. Neither young people nor old people, nor scientific investigators know very much about it as yet. Even the most extensive and best-known studies only scratch the surface. It may be de­sirable to know how many people behave this way or that way, just as it might be desirable to know how many people have the measles or typhoid, or how many are fat, thin, tall, or short. But the really important questions are, why do people act this way or that? What does their behavior mean? What effect does their behavior have upon them and other people? In what sense and in what ways does it help or harm? These most important questions we have only begun to explore.

One of the better studies which probes toward such more basic questions is Landis, Landis, and Bowles, Sex in Development, Hoeber, New York, 1940.

Before us lies a vast continent of human nature and relationships still largely unknown.

Yet despite the limitations of our knowledge, there are some matters related to sex which a couple should consider before they marry. They should make sure that they both have the simpler facts which are important, and that they know what standards of conduct they may expect from each other.

51.   Do you both know the essential physical facts about the sex organs of men and women?

Despite the sophistication of modern youth, teachers in the field report that a knowledge of even simple physical facts is often garbled and confused. Has either or both of you ever had a good course, or even read a good book on the physiology of reproduction? Do you know the correct names for the parts of the genital structures? Do you under­stand your anatomy and physiology sufficiently to enable you to understand the physical problems connected with sexual harmony within marriage, and the regulation of the size of your family? Can you, for example, distinguish intelli­gently between menstruation and ovulation?

The whole question of birth control involves ecclesiastical implications into which we cannot enter here. But if you do wish to decide the size of your family yourselves, certain knowledges are essential. Do you understand the nature and the effective use of the more common mechanical devices, and the non-mechanical possibilities such as the "rhythm method," and how effective and reliable they are?

52.    Do you both plan to have an adequate physical examination?

Many states now require an examination showing that those who apply for a marriage license are free from venereal infection. This is far from enough. It is important that the bride have a thorough examination by a competent gynecolo­gist. The specialist can often detect conditions which need correction in their earlier stages, when they are easier to correct, which the general practitioner lacks the experience to perceive. In several of our counseling cases, gynecologists were able to make such corrections, which examinations by general practitioners had overlooked, and have saved brides from the necessity of dangerous operations later. To find such a specialist you may have to visit a larger city. Do so without hesitation. It may be a matter of life and death. It can easily be a matter serious for health.

The examination of the groom is less serious and difficult, but still important. For one thing, he should be able to qualify for life insurance. It may be possible for him to com­bine two examinations in one. Marriage makes demands upon the groom and potential father which call for good health. You should at least know what that state of health is.

53. What ideals and standards of sexual morality do you both hold? Have you discussed this matter fully, so that you know what to expect of each other before and after marriage?

This whole matter of the sex standards which you will ex­pect of each other, is one of the most difficult problems you will face. First, you should each determine what you want and how important this is to you. Statements from a number of college young people indicate that they prefer to marry virgins, and expect fidelity after marriage. If these are your standards, what are your chances of getting what you want?

For most girls who demand strict standards, the reply must frankly be, not very good. Recent scientific studies reveal that in certain groups, only one man out of ten is virgin at the time of marriage. Half of all men commit adultery after marriage. Women are less lax, and yet far more so than they once were.

You do not, however, usually select your mate from the "general population." If your selection is from certain groups, your chances of getting the moral standards you wish will be much higher. Among high school graduates, the proportion of male virgins is eight times as great, and among college graduates, sixteen times as great as among those who have graduated from grade school only. Among active church members, the proportion of virgins is appre­ciably higher than among non-church groups, the orthodox Jewish group being highest of all. Those who regard virginity and fidelity as important have a good chance of get­ting it, if they select from the right groups. Remember that you are marrying a person, not a statistic. The important thing is to decide in advance what you will each demand, and what you may expect from the other.

Highly publicized evidence that conventional sex stand­ards are widely violated has led some to the erroneous con­clusion that sex standards are on the way out. Such is far from likely. Women are unquestionably more lax than were their grandmothers. The behavior of men seems about the same as it always has been. Adultery has historically been far more common than most have supposed.

Furthermore, the difference between conventional standards and actual practice is not peculiar to sex. Studies indicate that political corruption and even theft have been and are as widespread as sexual laxity. We do not therefore suggest that we abandon our standards in these areas. Yet the young person who marries today does have one problem which is more difficult than it used to be; a greater confusion in society itself as to what sex standards ought to be expected. If you are to have a sound sex code today, you must largely formulate it yourself. The questions which immediately follow are de­signed to help you do so wisely and well.

54. Have you considered the relationship of venereal disease to a sound sex code?

Attempts to scare people into morality by holding up the dangers of venereal disease have not been effective. Our proper suspicion of this approach to morality should not become, however, an excuse for ignorance and false ideas.

There is a widespread illusion that modern medical science has just about licked venereal disease. The facts are quite otherwise. Our latest statistics show more new cases of ven­ereal diseases than of influenza, tuberculosis, pneumonia, and malaria combined. We make a great effort to combat in­fantile paralysis. Syphilis is forty-three times more prevalent, and among one group of life insurance policy-holders, the death rate was nearly twenty-seven times as great. One esti­mate indicates that twenty percent of those who consort illicitly have venereal disease. By the law of averages, if you have intercourse with five different persons, one will have VD. Against this health menace there is at present only one effective defense; morality. The army has used every known medical resource to combat venereal infections. Soldiers have been instructed and provided with every known preventa-tive and treatment. Despite the very best which medical science could do, the rate in the Army of Occupation rose to twenty-five percent. How do such facts affect you and your conduct?

They should affect, first of all, the problem of premarital relationships. C and R were engaged. Being of a more "liberal" school they had sex relationships both with each other and with a few especially close friends of whom they were genuinely fond; R with two other men, and C with four other girls. One of these other girls had consorted with sev­eral of her good friends, and one of these had consorted with a diseased prostitute. R's infection was thus received fourth-hand, but it was no less tragic. It went undetected for some time; sufficient to render her sterile. C was a fairly nice boy, and he wanted a family with children. He did take pains to become cured of his own infection, but he also broke his engagement with R.

In many states, those who marry are required by law to make sure that neither of them has a venereal infection. In premarital relationships you have no such protection. The other person, or you, for that matter, may be quite unaware that he or she has VD. In the case cited, C was quite sur­prised to learn that he was infected. But in matters of health, ignorance is no excuse, and certainly no protection.

The same situation holds true of adultery after marriage. You may limit your relationships to your intimate friends. But the persons who commit adultery with you will likely do so with others, also.

You face a high degree of probability that somewhere along the line will be someone who will infect the lot of you. Neither of you can be safe from ven­ereal diseases unless both of you are completely faithful to each other. The moral code which you choose to live by is vitally important for the success of your marriage.

55. Do you understand the purpose of sex in human life?

Sex as we now know it has resulted from an evolutionary process covering perhaps millions of years. Nature did not de­velop this just so that we who live today could have fun. The basic purpose was to maintain the human race.

Babies can be and are born outside of marriage. But they are not so born in sufficient numbers to maintain the race. A thousand housewives will have far more children than a thousand prostitutes.

As to the fruitfulness of sex relation­ships within and outside of marriage, there is no comparison. Most married couples both want and have children. Out­side of marriage every effort is made to keep the relation­ships completely unproductive. Ask young people this ques­tion, "If you marry, do you hope to have children?" With few exceptions, the answer is "Yes." Now ask, "If you were to have sex relationships outside marriage, would you hope to have children?" The almost universal answer is an em­phatic "No." Ask yourselves these same questions. For reasons which are easy to understand, in sex relationships outside of marriage, children are the exception. Within marriage, chil­dren are the rule. Sound sex standards are not the inventions of narrow-minded moralists. They arise out of the require­ments of nature, and especially, of human nature of which you are part.

From the standpoint of race survival it is important, not only that babies should be born, but that they should be cared for properly after their arrival. Of all animals, the hu­man infant is the most helpless, not only at birth, but for the longest time thereafter. While the children are small, both they and the mother need the help and care of the father. In sex relationships outside marriage, the father is less likely to accept such responsibility. Unmarried fathers often be­come panicky and try to get out from under. A sex code which limits relationships to marriage best provides that security for mother and child which is essential to the per­petuation of the human race.

Sex, then, has essential purposes rooted in human survival. The young couple of today will succeed in their marriage only if they have a sound sex code based upon a clear under­standing of the purpose of sex in the long process of human evolution. For the human race and its survival includes you and your children.

56. Do you appreciate the relationship of sex morality to sound family life?

Growing evidence seems to show that the family is not less, but more important for civilization than we used to think that it was. The strength and soundness of any people de­pend largely upon what we may call "spiritual vitamins." Good family life is not the only source of these, but it is the main source. Therefore the future of any society or nation depends largely upon the healthiness of its family life.

Within marriage, sex strengthens and enriches the family. Sex relationships outside marriage weaken and harm sound family living.

One incident of adultery will not necessarily prove fatal, any more than one incident of pneumonia will necessarily kill an individual. But in either case, the condi­tion is weakening and dangerous, and should be avoided or corrected. Love for those outside the family circle there must and should be. But the limitation of sexual expressions of love to husband and wife is essential for the building of that depth of relationship upon which sound family life so largely depends. The demand for sexual fidelity is no outgrown taboo. It is a safeguard necessary to protect the family which is the unit of society upon which civilization itself so largely rests.

57. How important are sex and sexual compatibility in the total marriage relationship?

Young people who seek light at this point are faced with the problem of too much material. All kinds of pamphlets, books, and other aids are available to help them in the sexual adjustments of marriage, so that the entire subject becomes somewhat confusing.

There does seem to be agreement, how­ever, that the sexual relationships are extremely important to the success of a marriage. Some discussions and even some marriage counselors go as far as to suggest that sex is the one thing which can make or break a marriage. The im­plication is that if the sexual adjustment is not satisfactory, it will wreck the whole marriage. If it is satisfactory, noth­ing else matters very much. Out of this view grows the great concern for sexual compatibility. Some young people even feel that there should be a trial period of sexual relation­ships before marriage so that the couple can be sure that they are compatible.

Such extreme views are dangerous nonsense. Sex is im­portant in marriage, but anyone who knows even a little about the nature of personality and the way in which it de­velops, understands that there are many points around which it can be organized. Several factors; the conception you have of yourself, the roles you play, your value system and your inner adjustments as an individual (to mention a few) are each far more important than sex. Clinical experience reveals that some couples where the marriage is very unhappy enjoy unusually satisfactory sex relationships right up to the time of their divorces. Other couples go through life and develop unusually successful marriages without ever achieving satis­factory sexual adjustments.

The great danger is that whenever some difficulty arises, the young couple may try to solve it by making some adjust­ment in their sex relationships. Such a policy is like trying to cure all kinds of physical ills by keeping your teeth in good condition. Teeth are important to health, but they are not the only important factors. If we work only with them, we leave untouched the real causes of most of our difficulties. Likewise, working on the sexual adjustments may leave the real causes untouched and thus the condition becomes worse instead of better. The facts concerning the relationship of sex to marriage success are these:

1. Marriage is a relationship of total personalities. Each personality is an amazingly complex combination of many different factors. Sex is only one, and not even the most important one of these. When married people have trouble with each other, the basic trouble usually is not sex. Several personality needs are far more important to the success of the marriage.
   
   
2. Sex is often combined with other factors, and therefore it can upset a whole relationship. So can a sore toe, or a cinder in the eye. Correcting a sex difficulty will help only if there is where the trouble really lies.
   
   
3. What appear to be sexual difficulties are often only symptoms of something far more basic. If a couple has trouble elsewhere, such difficulties will often appear in their sex relationships. If the couple do not know any better than to believe that all troubles are sexual, this is what they will complain about to   their counselor. Sexual adjustments have become today's fashions in complaints. A generation or so ago it was religious doubts. What will it be tomorrow?
   
   
4. Satisfactory sexual adjustments often take considerable skill and long practice to achieve. For a couple to try out
   
   

   Cf., for example, Krueger, E. T., A Study of Marriage Incompatibility in The Family, April, 1928, pp. 53-60.
   
   premarital sex relationships as a test of sexual compatibility is absurd. It is as though a man who had never learned to play were to take a piano for two weeks' trial, with the understanding that if he could not play it satisfactorily he would not keep it.

5. The correction of a really serious difficulty may require years of treatment by a competent psychiatrist. Even if your trouble is basically sexual, you will not cure it by some technique which you read about in a book.

Sex in marriage, then, can add richly to the total relation­ship. It is often a symptom, but rarely a basic cause for mari­tal difficulties. Improved and varied techniques may add somewhat to the fun of the relationship. They will not cure or even significantly affect the major problems of marriage relationships. Like the vanilla in the cake, sex can give flavor and zest. Less glamorous ingredients provide the real body, and give sustaining nourishment to marriage.

58. How well do you understand the essentials for a complete sex experience?

As vanilla is most enjoyable when it is part of a greater total product, so sex is most satisfying as part of a much larger whole. Our knowledge at this point is far from com­plete, but there are some statements which we can make with confidence. Among the more important facts are:

1. Sex is most satisfying as part of a total personal relationship. Some authorities believe that prostitution, where the personal relationship is almost absent, is hardly more than a form of masturbation. Testimony from the prostitutes themselves indicate a lack of personal satisfaction in their relationships. Sex is most satisfying when it is the expression of a genuine affection.
   
   
2. Sex is most satisfying when the relationship is stable and secure. Those who have counseled with people who have tried to get their satisfactions from the temporary affair know how bitter can be the experience when  the relationship breaks up, and how great can be the fear while it is continuing. The danger of the "week-end trip" and the vacation episode is that they arouse hungers which they cannot satisfy. The relationship is haunted by the fear that it will be broken off just when you have come to feel the need for it most. Depending upon illicit relationships for satisfaction is like drinking sea water to satisfy your thirst. The thirst is understandable and proper. The solution makes matters worse in­stead of better. Going "the limit" biologically is most satis­fying only when you can also "go the limit" psychologically. This last can usually happen only within the security of permanent marriage.
   
   
3. Sex requires children for its richest fulfillment. Na­ture's concern in sex is not fun for the individual but off­spring for the race. Unrestricted child-bearing obviously has no place in an age of medical knowledge. But psychi­atrists testify that child-bearing is essential for the fullest sexual satisfaction, particularly for women. This conclusion has considerable evidence from other sources to support it.

59. How can you tell whether the other really holds to the sex standards which you regard as essential?

The answer to this question is especially difficult when you are just becoming interested, but do not know the other too well. One way is by frank discussion. People who believe that fidelity after marriage is desirable, and often people who feel that it is not, may frankly say so. You always face the possibility of deceit. Some people will agree to anything in order to win the one they want.

Even greater is the danger that later on, one or the other will change his mind about the matter. But these are risks of marriage itself. You can and should know where you stand as of the present.

A second way of knowing is the record of past conduct. One indication is the standard which you maintain with each other before your marriage. During their engagement period, Sam suggested sexual intimacies to Doris. She de­clined. She would not likely give to others what she refused to the man she intended to marry, Sam could be reasonably sure. But how about Doris? Statements and even reputation may be unreliable, although both should be considered. The best protection is to have known the other long enough, and well enough to have confidence in his basic integrity.

60.   What if in the past the other has violated your standards?

Marriage does not change the basic character and person­ality structure of an individual. Will not the other almost certainly carry into married life the practices which he has established before?

Your question is whether this undesirable past con­duct was an expression of, or a violation of his standards. Few people always live up to their own moral standards on any matter. People who do not believe in losing one's tem­per, occasionally lose their own. Those who both believe in and practice truth as a general policy, occasionally lie. Peo­ple who sincerely believe in honesty would steal food if they were starving. It would be quite inaccurate to call them thieves. The basic question is whether the conduct did or did not express the pattern of his personality.

By personality, we mean the pattern as it is at present. For people can and do change. It is not likely that marriage will profoundly affect one's standards. The boy who pleads that if the girl only would marry him he would be quite different may believe what he says, but he is talking nonsense. Yet it is possible for a person who once accepted one sex standard to change his mind and his feelings and staunchly uphold the opposite position. St. Augustine is a classic example. Such conversion should have occurred well before the prospect of marriage has entered in to affect the decision.

61.   // one of you has had illicit sex relationships before marriage, should he keep quiet about it or "tell all?"

It is usually better if a couple can begin their marriage with everything cleared up. Finding out later may result in a disillusionment which can threaten the whole relation­ship. The other person may think, "How many other things are there in his (or her) past I wasn't told about?" Further­more, even if the other never does find out, there is always fear is like hulls in the oatmeal. It makes the dish less tasty. Furthermore, ii your relationship with the other is strong enough to risk mar­riage, it should be able to take considerable strain. Many young people have found that a frank disclosure of past in­discretions did not break the relationship, but brought a welcome sense of relief which actually made the bonds closer. Yet there undoubtedly are times when bringing up a dead past would destroy what would otherwise be an essentially sound marriage. From a moral standpoint, your real re­sponsibility is to let the other person know what you are now. If the misconduct in the past does not represent what you really are now, a disclosure may do little good and much harm.

62. After you are married, what about "dates" with the opposite sex?

To begin with, business relationships often involve social relationships. The principal of the school takes the girl who is applying for a teaching position out to lunch. He feels that he can evaluate her better in an informal setting. The boss takes his secretary to dinner, partly to give her last minute instructions before he leaves, and partly to pay for the extra responsibility which she will have while he is away. Business men entertain buyers. Persons who have similar interests have dinner together as a further opportunity for continuing their discussions. Yet these associations are often more than mere "business." They are also ways of having social rela­tionships with interesting and attractive members of the opposite sex.

Then, there are the dates in the "old friends" category. Sally runs into Jim, who lived across the street from her when they were children. They are genuinely delighted to see each other and go to lunch. There they talk eagerly of "old times," ask and tell about the friends whom they knew when they were in high school together, who is married, who has a baby, and "didn't you know that poor old Mrs. Blinker was killed in an auto accident." Or Mr. Brown finds that the daughter of an old friend is coming through town. His fam­ily is away, so he takes her to dinner, a good show, and then puts her on the train for Omaha. Such "dates" are usually single occasions. Any further meeting will also be an iso­lated event, and the relationship is not continued after the occasion.

Our usual standards permit frankly social dates, only if at least one, and preferably both of the other married partners are present. The married woman who likes a particular man, invites his wife and him to her home as guests of her and her husband. If his wife is away or he is unmarried, she may still invite him, provided her husband is present. This cus­tom has much to commend it. If a couple can share their friends, their own relationship will often be enriched. But what if her husband and his wife are both out of town at the same time? That is when both of them may feel most in need of company. Should it be permissible for him to take her to dinner and to a show?

A somewhat minor question concerns the expression of affection. In some circles the kiss is restricted to relatives. In other situations, married people freely kiss all those of whom they have become fond, and sometimes are even more free with their caresses. What will be your practice in this matter, and does the other understand and accept it?

We shall not attempt here to answer such questions for you. We seek merely to indicate the kind of questions which you should face and decide for yourselves, and some of the problems involved in deciding one way or the other. Take, for example, this matter of the harmless date with the wife of another, when both other parties are out of town. Hus­bands and wives vary all the way from being insanely jealous at even imaginary digressions, to a rather complete indiffer­ence. Of course, even if one or both of the others is jealous, you may proceed on the assumption that they will never find out about your date. But concealment is often unsuccessful.

You are always likely to be seen by someone who knows you and will delight to tell. In any case, the more honest your relationship with your husband or wife, the more successful your marriage will be. The best thing to do is to settle the whole matter in advance. You may want to bring the matter up later for further discussion. But before and after mar­riage, both of you ought to know where you stand on this point.

A second problem is that of being emotionally involved. Even what starts out as a genuine business date may become something considerably more. Either or both of you may find that without your intending it, you are coming to love each other. People need not avoid relationships just because they involve risks. Almost anything does. The important thing is to know in advance that the risk is there, so that you can watch out for it.

In Summary

Before you marry, then, you should review what you know about sex, and check it against such knowledge as is avail­able. To do so may require a considerable amount of read­ing and study. More important than knowledges, however, are attitudes. You both should know what to expect of each other. Frank discussion will help some, but the best basis of information is past practices and conduct. Whether miscon­duct means a temporary lapse from standards really held, or the absence of standards, will be difficult to determine. But it is this point which should decide whether it is safe to marry someone whose past conduct has not always been de­sirable. The greatest security for any marriage is to be found in the character and integrity of the people who comprise it.

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