Character Traits

Do you both practice socially acceptable sex stand ards?

Are your manners acceptable to the social group with which you will associate?

Are you both sufficiently truthful and reliable to make possible good relationships with each other and with your associates?

Are you both satisfactorily honest regarding property?

Do you both have a kindly, humane attitude toward other people?

Do you trust yourself?

Can you trust others?

How about changing each other after you marry?

Can you accept each other as you are?

Is your basic attitude toward life appreciative or demanding?

Are you willing to pay the cost of success?

Will you put up with inconvenience and frustration?

Do you know that success in marriage requires seri ous effort?

Are you emotionally able to accept competent help when you need it?

Do you have the will to succeed?

Do you have larger purposes which can give you sound reasons for success?

She had never had much attention and love; not even from her own family. Then Wilfred, an attractive boy, began to court her seriously. He seemed to promise everything she had been hungering for. So eager was she for love and mar­riage that she never dreamed of raising questions about his character. Others tried to warn her, but there was just no holding her. Not until she had been swindled out of her property and deserted, could she believe the truth about Wilfred.

George was in the same boat. He was shy and socially not popular. Girls did not like to date him. Then charming Lydia came along; Lydia who was better-looking and much more attractive than any girl whom he had ever known. And Lydia liked him. She dated him, and gave him every en­couragement. His joy knew no bounds. He could no more raise questions about her character than a child could about the character of Santa Claus. His friends warned him that Lydia was sexually loose. He knocked them down. How could a girl so beautiful, with such innocent, trusting eyes, be anything but radiantly pure? Women warned him of her unscrupulous deceits. He regarded such accusations as be­neath contempt. Lydia had a lovely voice. She sang in the church choir. She gave wonderful prayers in the young peo­ple's meetings. How could such a girl be anything but noble; the innocent victim of evil minds? Besides, he loved her. Then he saw her in court; saw her sweet exterior drop away. When he pleaded with her in shocked amazement, she laughed at him for being a "sucker." Not until then could he believe.

People with serious character defects often are good-look­ing and attractive. In public they look and act like anyone else. Often they are unusually gracious and well-mannered. Many are good actors, and develop "hard luck" stories with great skill. They may be able, not only to explain away their defects, but to make themselves appear as the victims of "dirty deals" from others. By appealing to pity or a sense of justice, some have persuaded others to marry them, in part to "give them a break." Marriages based upon such motives usually ruin one person without helping the other, for mar­riage involves the acceptance of additional burdens. Those who could not get along well before marriage are even less likely to do so after marriage. To marry a person with seri­ous personality or character defects is not to help him. Usu­ally it will make the condition worse.

65.   Do you both practice socially acceptable sex standards?

However lenient social demands about sex may have be­come at some points, society does require certain standards which are strictly enforced. Such conduct as incest, exhibi­tionism, homosexual practices, approaches to young girls and breaking up the homes of others may bring heavy penalties, and can wreck a marriage. Be reasonably sure on all such points before you become too greatly involved.

66.   Are your manners acceptable to the social group with which you will associate?

Social acceptance is one essential for successful marriage. The manners which society requires may be, in themselves, unimportant. The man who eats his potatoes with a spoon instead of a fork is not harming anyone. Yet there is some justification for even "senseless" social standards. They test the willingness of the individual to respect the values and sensitivities of others, and of his willingness to "play ball" with the social group. As such, good manners are a part of good morals.

67.   Are you both sufficiently truthful and reliable to make possible good relationships with each other and with your associates?

Few people claim that we should tell the whole truth all the time. Little lies, told for courtesy's sake or to avoid un­necessary trouble with irrational people are part of the social lubrication which makes human relationships easier. Yet in our kind of world, life cannot go on without a considerable degree of truthfulness and reliability. We must be able, to a considerable degree, to depend upon the promises and the reliable services of others. Married life is essentially a shar­ing, in part, by talking things over. How can we share unless we can be reasonably sure that what we share is real?

Clinical experience with personality disorders indicates that frankness and honesty are among the most important elements of any relationship. Lying and evasiveness indicate personality disturbances.

Excessive lying is a confession that you cannot handle the problems which confront you. As you become better acquainted, honesty should become in­creasingly possible until even "courtesy lying" can largely be dropped. Life is complicated enough in any case. The less effort we spend in inventing lies of our own, and in checking up on those of others, the easier and richer life will be for us all.

68. Are you both satisfactorily honest regarding property?

Thieves may not be worse than respectable people who rob others in more subtle and legal ways. But they are socially far less acceptable. Theft cannot continue long without de­tection. Even card sharks usually play only with those whom they have just met, and do not linger long after the "killing." For those who plan to live for some time with each other and with their neighbors, honesty is essential. Beware of the per­son who thinks that it is smart to get into a show without paying, or does not correct matters when he is over-changed. He is a poor marriage risk.

69. Do you both have a kindly, humane attitude toward other people?

Everyone in the office was surprised when Jim broke his engagement with Doris. For Doris was beautiful, brilliant, and attractive; the kind of girl, it seemed, whom anyone would be glad to marry. Yet Jim had good reasons for his decision. He began to notice that Doris was unpleasant and discourteous to many people. She would turn on the charm for him, but she was consistently mean to the newsboy, the waitress, and the attendant at the gas station. Jim wisely saw that if they married, she would in time treat him (and their children) the same way. He just did not want any.

The person who harbors hatreds and grudges against others; who feels that other people are always giving him a dirty deal, is a poor marriage risk. Prejudice against mem­bers of other racial groups is often an expression of person­ality difficulties which should cause one to stop, look, and listen. The Nazis were not regarded as good neighbors. Neither will any be who act toward others as they did. We may not blame the person who is cruel, vicious, or mean. Often he is "more to be pitied than censured," but never­theless he is not a good marriage risk. Even at best, those who live in the intimacy of marriage will hurt each other. A basic gentleness and kindness toward others is an essential which you should be sure about before you marry.

The importance of the character traits which we have dis­cussed so far is generally recognized. Therefore we could treat them with brevity. Other character traits, quite as im­portant for success in marriage, are less well understood. We shall now consider these traits, beginning with self-confidence and trust.

70. Do you trust yourself?

Self-confidence is usually regarded as a trait of personality, rather than of character. Perhaps it is. Yet it is often the basic element in a very important character problem, namely, jeal­ousy. Writers on marriage usually handle jealousy as they would the problem of a washed-out bridge. They put up warning and detour signs. They point out the awful results of jealousy. No marriage can succeed until the "green-eyed monster" has been vanquished.

The basic fallacy in this approach is the assumption that jealousy can be overcome by an act of will. The man on the road who sees the warning sign can take the detour, and probably will. But jealousy is not a rational proposition. The jealous mate may recognize clearly the dangers of his condition. But he can no more cure his jealousy by merely determining to do so, than he could cure himself of cancer, fallen arches, or eczema. Jealousy often results in a lack of confidence in one's self. The conviction that most other men are smarter, most other women more attractive; the feel­ing that no one could love me; such are the base of much jealousy. Warnings may only add to the feelings of helpless­ness and guilt, thus doing more harm than good. Not until confidence is established can jealousy be overcome.

The story is told of a man with an insanely jealous wife. Instead of trying to defend himself from her accusations, or scolding her for her lack of confidence in him, he acted to build her up. He persuaded the ice man and the milk man to try to flirt with her. He hired several men to try to pick her up on the street. With her confidence in her attractive­ness thus restored, she lost her jealousy.

The cure is not al­ways so simple. The reasons for a lack of self-confidence may lie deeply hidden in the subconscious. Cure may involve ex­tensive analysis and treatment. Our purpose here is not to point out how a lack of self-confidence can be cured. We wish only to indicate that those who lack it are not yet ready for marriage.

71. Can you trust others?

Similar to jealousy is an excessive suspicion of others. We have already warned against trusting people to the point of marriage before you have proved them. There is the op­posite danger of trusting no one at all on any matter. For those investigating a crime, a suspicion of everyone who might possibly be connected with it may be a proper atti­tude. It is no sound basis for marriage.

Undue suspicion of others usually indicates one of two conditions which make marriage questionable. It may mean that the individual lacks confidence in his own judgment. Therefore the one safe procedure is to trust no one. Or it may indicate that the person himself is not to be trusted. We often judge others by what we know ourselves to be. The man who is unduly sus­picious may be telling us that he is not to be trusted. Lack of trust in others either is a character defect, or it indicates a personality condition which can easily become a character defect.

This is all the more important because a couple who begin by mistrusting others may end up by not trusting each other. Increasingly the marriage will be marred by jealousies and suspicions until finally the strain will become too great and the marriage will break. The ability to trust others, under proper circumstances and after adequate testing, is a char­acter essential of paramount importance for marriage, or any other kind of successful living.

72. How about changing each other after you marry?

Remember our suitability scale in the first chapter? We there pointed out that you have little chance of marrying a person who is tailor-made to your particular personality. The best you are likely to do is what we called "good suit­ability." Therefore, there will be many things about you both which the other would very much like to change. We cannot emphasize too strongly that every person has to act in accordance with the kind of person he is. No promise, however sincere, whether made before, during, or after a marriage, can change the essential pattern of any personality. This is why wise selection is so vital. The one you marry is the one you get. Of course, people do change with age and experience. The one you marry will not forever remain the game. Neither will you. Such changes will, in part, result from the experiences of marriage. But such changes will be what they will be, not what you want them to be. They may leave the other less, rather than more satisfactory to you.

Can you influence this process of inevitable change in de­sired ways? Here are some of your possibilities. In trivial matters unrelated to a basic need, you may be able to get some changes with little difficulty. John had the habit, greatly annoying to Elsie, of throwing his hat on the sofa when he came into the house. She asked him not do it. He forgot several times, but she kept repeating her request and he tried to co-operate. Since it was only a habit, not con­nected to any deeper emotional feelings, he was soon able to break it without serious effects either to him or to the re­lationship. The same thing proved true of her habit of leav­ing the top off the tooth paste. But changes are not always so simple. A few months after their marriage, he found that he had a strange desire to throw her off the platform of the L station. He rightly went to a counselor for help. In work­ing the problem through, they discovered that he had had in his den some old hunting equipment and trophies to which he was deeply attached. His wife, feeling that they de­tracted materially from the decoration scheme she had adopted, insisted that they be removed to the basement, and they were. The counselor called in the wife and explained to her the deep emotional basis of this attachment. The objects were restored to a prominent place in the den, and the difficulties ceased.

Basic changes can sometimes take place, if conducted with enough patience and skill, and provided that they are con­sistent with the already existing personality structure of the individual. Tim was a well-educated middle class boy of good tastes. His wife had a "heart of gold" and a good mind. But she was crude, and her taste in literature was limited largely to the "pulps." He made no protest.

Instead, he constantly left about the house highly illustrated magazines of a better grade, but not too difficult. From time to time he would ask her opinion on some article. He also bought copies of the classics edited for children, with large print and highly il­lustrated. When company was present, he drew his wife into the conversation, taking great care that it should not go be­yond her capacities and interests. In time, this program began to take effect.

Gradually she dropped the pulps and became interested in better literature. As her natural intel­ligence began to take hold, she graduated into the better magazines and books. Within ten years her interests at this point had become completely transformed, and she was able to hold her own in any conversation. Increasingly, too, she came to adopt the manners and the etiquette of the middle class into which she had married. But note that during this period there was no nagging, and great care taken to avoid making her feel inferior or threatened. Furthermore, she had a natural aptitude for the change.

On the whole, despite such rather "nice" cases, this whole business of trying to change the other person is risky on sev­eral counts. It may produce a reaction which will damage the whole relationship. Even more serious, the desired change may actually not be for the better. We like Jiggs because Maggie never succeeds in her efforts to change him. We recognize his crudities. But we would far rather have him stay as he is—a friendly, good-natured and essentially hon­est person, than the affected snob which Maggie is trying to force him to become. The problem of changing a person is often like that of alterations in a house. A man bought a house which had a tiny bathroom which could easily have been larger had the builder used some of the waste room in the hall. Before the house was built, such a change would have been simple. After it was built, the change would re­quire a shifting of three partitions and two doorways. Such a change would have cost too much. So it is with the ones we marry. If we could bring them up from babyhood, we would properly make some real changes. But after they are grown, basic changes may prove far more costly than they are worth. Furthermore, a house cannot actively resist alterations, but a husband can; and usually does.

Finally, the desire to change the other may indicate that something is wrong with you, rather than with him. Many people have personal deficiencies which they feel unable to overcome, and about which they feel insecure. If they can get others to adopt their peculiarities, they feel less uncom­fortable about them. Those who are too zealous in seeking to convert others to their religion or their point of view are rightly viewed with suspicion. Often what they are really trying to do is to gain support for their own abnormalities as a means of finding greater security for themselves.

73. Can you accept each other as you are?

If you genuinely love and accept another person, his devia­tions and "faults" will not matter too much. If you do not accept each other, nothing which either of you can do will save it, as long as a basic rejection remains. How often this is the heart of a marriage difficulty! Clem had been married to Josie for about six months when he began to notice a change in her. Nothing which he could do would please her. He had always kissed her upon coming home.

Now she re­pulsed him saying that "she hated to be pawed." Yet when he no longer kissed her, she accused him of coldness. If he would come in and sit down before suppertime, she would call him lazy and complain that he made her do all the work. If he tried to set the table or do something else, she accused him of meddling in her affairs and upsetting her plans. If he failed to keep well-dressed he "looked like a tramp." If he bought new clothes, he was extravagant and selfish. On their first anniversary he ordered a nice present which had not arrived before he did. She at once launched into a violent tirade on his neglect. In the midst of the tumult, the mes­senger arrived with the present. This made her even more furious. She accused him of holding up the gift for the pur­pose of humiliating her.

The husband was desperately eager to make a success of his marriage, and told the counselor that he would gladly "crawlon his belly like a snake" if it would do any good. He searched himself earnestly to see what was wrong with him. Perhaps he had not loved her enough, or had some unknown "complex" which was the cause of the difficulties.

As soon as the counselor had interviewed both parties, the basis of the difficulties became obvious. Fundamentally, the wife rejected her husband. This being the case, there was nothing which he could do to please her. Trying harder only made things worse. As long as he had the faults about which she complained, she could feel that the difficulties lay with him, and berate him with a clearer conscience.

But as soon as he began to conform to her wishes, she found it harder and harder to find any grounds for mistreating him. This made her own problem more difficult, and she became in­creasingly furious. We shall not attempt to go into all the details which the counselor uncovered in discovering the cause of the rejection. Some were closely related to the ex­periences of the wife with her father. Suffice it to say that when she did come to accept her husband, none of the things which she had found so irritating mattered any more. If acceptance is complete enough, even vicious and criminal behavior may be endured without seriously threatening the relationship. If you do not accept each other, you will never be able to please each other.

We point out in passing that this principle of acceptance and rejection holds true in other relationships and areas of life. If children are rejected by their parents, nothing which they can do is ever good enough. A pupil who is rejected by a teacher can rarely do satisfactory work or behave accept­ably. A worker who is rejected by the "gang" with which he works may find that no thoughtfulness, fidelity, or even com­petence on his job will change their attitudes toward him. It is well known that an economic depression can cause most voters to reject the party in power and no amount of virtue or facts can overcome it. We do not mean to imply that attitudes of rejection can never be changed. They can be and are. But while they remain, it is almost impossible for the one rejected to behave in ways which are regarded as satisfactory. Therefore if you are planning to marry, your acceptance of each other is vital to your success. Examine it with utmost care.

74. Is your basic attitude toward life appreciative or demanding?

Are you always annoyed at what you lack, or grateful for what you have? Which do you see first, the doughnut or the hole? Do you remember the fairy tale of the poor man who spared the life of an enchanted fish? In return he was asked to name his own reward. He at first asked nothing. When he told his wife, she insisted that he go back and request a neat little hut to replace the pig sty in which they had been liv­ing. This he did, and the request was granted. But the wife was not satisfied. Next she demanded a large and expensive house. After she got this, she demanded a huge palace. Even this did not satisfy her, and she demanded to be made king. This and even greater demands were granted. Then she in­sisted that she be made like God. She ended up where she began; in the pig sty.

Such has been, to a surprising degree, the general outline of the story of Napoleon and, in our day, of Adolf Hitler. Many others, while less successful in their beginnings, have the same demanding attitude toward life. As marriage part­ners, they should be avoided.

But how is one to know? How can the young person interested in a particular somebody find out beforehand that marriage will mean a lifetime policy of appeasement of a person who can never be satisfied until death or the divorce court judge us do part? Here are some suggestions regarding the symptoms.

The attention of such a demanding person is centered upon what they do not have, or conditions which ought to be different. If they go on a picnic they will constantly be harping on the fact that Susan forgot to put the ice cubes in the lemonade, or Bill and Sally were late, or Jimmie forgot to bring his sweater. Therefore the whole occasion has been ruined for them, and they will make sure that it is also ruined for everyone else. If they see a house they will not see the lovely yard or the tasteful drapes. The conspicuous facts will be the clash of colors in the living room, or the ab­sence of handles on the windows. No matter how complete their wardrobes, the conspicuous thing in their eyes will be the fur coat, the elaborate dinner dress, or the pearl neck­laces which they do not have. Such attitudes of constant com­plaint should be signs for those who are matrimonial pros­pects to take cover.

A second symptom is that they cannot be pleased. They seem to reject everybody. The singer flats her high notes. The strings in the orchestra were not good. The actor ruined one scene. The grades which the children get in school are never high enough. The children are not obedient enough, or smart enough. The husband (or the wife) is always do­ing something stupid, and constantly reminded of his short­comings. Nothing that anybody can do is good enough. People who feel like this should remain in single blessed­ness.

Another form of this difficulty is the belief that our prob­lems could be solved if we only had enough of everything. If only I had enough money, sex, clothes, a nice enough house, a good enough car, a social standing which was high enough, then I would find life good. Such people are partly right in their diagnosis. They are unhappy because they are deprived. Their real tragedy is that they do not know what they lack. Hence their pitiable efforts to get more and ever more of what they have, and their failure to find real satis­factions after they have been successful. They are like a glutton whose diet lacks some essential elements. He keeps on eating because he is really hungry. He thinks that if only he can get enough food . . . yet more and richer food of the same kind can only make him uncomfortable and fat. No wonder he is desperate. So it is with the hungers of per­sonality.

People whose real needs are to love others and to be at peace within themselves, mistakenly suppose that more money, power or prestige will satisfy their hungers. They are often worse off when they succeed than when they fail, because in failure they can always hope that success would make them happy. We rightly feel sorry for such people. But their difficulties lie mainly within themselves. Until these have been corrected, they cannot make a success of marriage or of any other intimate relationship. However hungry they may be for companionship and love, to marry such a one before he was cured would be only to add an un­happy marriage to his woes.

For a good marriage risk, find the girl who would be grateful for the honest love of a worthy man; grateful for the home she could enjoy. Find the man who would be grateful for a family; the man who can enjoy simple pleasures, magazines, books, occasional outings, ball games, and especially the companionship of friends. Find the people who enjoy children, who like to hear their neighbors sing in the church choir, or play in band con­certs, if there is plenty of popcorn. Life is good for those who are able to select and appropriate the parts in it which are good.

An appreciative attitude toward life should not, and need not lead to unwholesome docility. To select the good is not to close our eyes to the evil, or to fail to combat it. We should be able to distinguish between good and bad in music, gov­ernment, bananas and carpentry work. The optimist can be more dangerous than the pessimist. The joys of simple men can become the opportunities of charlatans and knaves. The good prospective mate is not insensitive to evils. He does approach all of life, both evil and good, with a creative atti­tude. He differs from the whiner, the grouch and the misan­thrope not in what he sees, but in what he selects to live with.

75. Are you willing to pay the cost of success?

Some people expect marriage to be a kind of slot machine, guaranteed to pay off. You put in little yourself and have a lot of fun making the wheels go around. In return you ex­pect the jack pot of happiness, spilled out right at your feet. This whole idea is clearly illustrated by the story of Cinder­ella in its various forms. Certainly the poor kid had a tough time of it, what with the old buzzard of a stepmother and her two spoiled brats. But what does she do? Instead of going out and getting a good job in some magic wand factory, she just hangs around the furnace and mopes. If this story were really true to life she would end up as she deserved, sling­ing hash in "Ye Olde Greasy Spoon." But instead of this, what happens? Some Fairy Godmother comes along and stakes her to a permanent, a facial, a manicure, an imported limousine and a Paris creation with all the accessories to match. Without even having to show enough gumption to wash her own face she gets the whole works—Prince, glass slippers, and Hollywood contract, dumped right in her lap. Our pulps and guides to matrimonial success are often clut­tered up with the same kind of twaddle. Just hang around until "true love" strikes you, and then your Prince Charming will come along and carry you off in a new Buick. It is no wonder that many young people enter marriage about as well prepared as an old lady with a market basket is for a lion hunt.

If you want to succeed in marriage, recognize first of all that it is not a means of solving problems. Marrying is like accepting a promotion. It means more pay, but it means also more responsibility and bigger and better headaches. Mar­riage in itself will not make anyone happy. It merely gives you a better chance to earn it. The happiness of marriage is like a car, or a refrigerator, or something else you would like, in a show window. If you want to have it in your own home, you must be willing to pay the price; not only willing, but able. Here are some of the prices:

76.   Will you put up with inconvenience and frustration?

Husbands, like so many other desirable things of life, are often terribly annoying. Like the fireplace, they may smoke up the house and get ashes all over the place. Like the fur­nace, they may go out at night and leave you cold and com­fortless. Wives, also, have their disadvantages. Like cigarette lighters, they sometimes will not work. Like a radio they can get very noisy at times, and may prove difficult to shut off. Like a car, they can develop trouble without warning and upset your plans for going places. Like the government they can be shockingly expensive and not always too efficient. But who would prefer to live without plumbing, heating, govern­ment, and the other developments of modern life, in order to avoid the trouble and expense which they necessarily cause?

Such costs, like the frustrations of marriage, are part of the price of civilized living. Merely to room with someone, to share space and a few things is not difficult nor costly. Neither is it especially rewarding. Really to live with an­other, to share your hopes, plans, dreams, and your inner lives, this is a different matter. Marriage requires adjustment on a far deeper level than was necessary while single. The cost of such adjustment will sometimes be painful frustra­tion. Those who understand will welcome such pains as part of the process of giving birth to a richer and deeper quality of life.

77.   Do you know that success in marriage requires serious effort?

We would not expect to become a successful violinist, plumber or watch maker without careful preparation and seriously working at our jobs. Neither will we be successful in our marriages without the training and skills which can result only from serious and continuous effort. People often fail because they take the same attitude toward their mar­riage as does the owner of a car. The ordinary driver knows that to operate his car, he must do some things. He must start it, shift gears, steer, and stop. He must provide it with gas, oil, water and air. But after he has done these few simple tasks, he expects the car to do the rest. When he puts his foot on the starter, he expects it to start. When he takes it on a trip, he expects it to purr along without trouble, so long as it is filled up. If it breaks down, he will probably feel baffled and possibly resentful. It is not his job to serv­ice the car. It is the job of the car to give him what he wants and expects, without too much effort or expense on his part.

The attitude of the garage mechanic is quite different. To begin with, he feels a different kind of responsibility. He must not merely get service from the car, but make sure that the car gets the kind of service which will make it run properly. He not only drives and rides—he is also alert for any kind of trouble which might become serious. He keeps the car not only fed, but tuned up and adjusted. Breakdowns do not appear as outrageous surprises. His job is to fix things when they go wrong. And since he under­stands the car, he can respond to trouble creatively. In­stead of feeling baffled and bewildered, he finds out the nature of the difficulty and has the knowledges and the skills to correct it.

The satisfactions of a successful marriage are not to be had merely by performing a few simple tasks, such as feeding a man, dressing up the children, or paying the bills. If a marriage is to function well it must be kept in constant ad­justment and repair by people who understand it and are willing to put in the amount of study and effort which is required. When breakdowns occur, as they will, you should know enough about the situation so that you will not be floored by them. You should know enough to be able to spot the difficulty and fix it. Keeping a marriage in good running order is a real job which requires hard work. Yet work alone is not enough. Success in marriage also requires intelligent understanding and effective skills.

78. Are you emotionally able to accept competent help when you need it?

In the matter of physical health we recognize the need for specialized help. We do give our children considerable knowledge about their bodies and how to care for them. By the time they reach adulthood they have a good basic under­standing of the nature of disease, and the principles of hy­giene and sanitation. Knowledge of new discoveries, such as insulin, the sulpha drugs, penicillin and even the RH factor is widely disseminated. Yet we all recognize that despite this very considerable knowledge, most people will, at times, have to call in outside help. Most people do this without shame or embarrassment. Even physicians call in specialists for their more difficult and baffling cases.

Most marriages, like most bodies, occasionally become ill and break down at some point. Such illnesses are not always fatal. The sick marriage may recover by itself, just as our fathers often recovered from their sicknesses before they had doctors. Yet the outside expert is important. In many in­stances the patient who has competent help will recover, when without it he would die. In other instances the outside specialist can make the recovery come much quicker, and be more complete. In times past, many people used to drag around with physical ailments from which they could be really cured today. Likewise many marriages, while not ill to the point of divorce, drag along without that buoyant happiness and glow which competent help could give. One reason for the importance of the outside expert is his ability to detect difficulties early, so that they can be corrected be­fore they become serious. Divorce has many causes, and effec­tive treatment of the tragedy will require extensive, difficult, and widespread measures. But it could quickly be reduced, if couples were willing to seek competent help before their marriages were on their deathbeds.

Fred was both surprised and hurt when Louise, whom he wanted to marry, disagreed with him about counseling help. He boasted that after they were married, they would handle all difficulties by themselves. He was not going to have any third parties meddling in his affairs. Louise agreed that untrained but emotionally involved "in-laws," and well-meaning friends should not be resorted to, any more than we would call upon them to diagnose or treat an illness. But a refusal to consult an impartial expert—that was another matter.

Suppose they had a child who became seriously ill; would they insist on taking care of it themselves? Fred prided himself on his high standards of responsibility and inde­pendence. But to be independent you need not insist upon repairing your own watch. Responsibility involves the will­ingness to use quickly such resources as may be necessary and available to meet the demands of a situation. Louise rightly interpreted Fred's attitude as an evidence of immaturity; an immaturity which made him a questionable marriage risk. Fortunately through a lecture series and some counseling ap­pointments, Fred came to recognize the irresponsibility of his attitude, and grew up at this point. One of the most en­couraging signs in the marriage situation is the growing willingness of intelligent, well-informed people to seek help in less serious difficulties. Securing expert help in consulta­tion is no more a confession of failure or an admission that the marriage is on the skids than a physical check-up is evidence that the individual is about to die. The willingness to secure competent help is a vital part of that determination to succeed which can be the cornerstone of a successful mar­riage. As such, it is one of the character traits essential to success.

79. Do you have the will to succeed?

The previous points; the willingness to pay the costs of success, including its inconveniences and frustrations, to make a serious effort, which must include adequate training and preparation, and to accept competent help when necessary, can be summarized in one character trait; the will to succeed.

Every couple must recognize that however careful they may be in selection, and however hard they may try to make it succeed, their marriage may fail, just as one or the other may die. A recognition of this possibility is quite different, however, from the attitude of "oh well, we'll try it. If it doesn't work out we can always get a divorce." Young people who are willing to make a serious effort to succeed have every reason to expect success.

A determination to succeed can often compensate for other limitations. From many angles, Agnes and Bernard had most of the cards stacked against any real chance for success. He was Jewish. She was Baptist. She was a college girl. He had not gone beyond the eighth grade. He was working class. She was upper middle. Both of them had some history of per­sonality disturbance. Yet after a series of careful consulta­tions, they felt that they had a good chance. Why? Because first of all, they had an awareness of their difficulties. They both knew that if they made a go of their marriage, they would have to work at it. They were thus in a far better position than many couples who are suddenly tripped by problems which they had not foreseen. Most important, they had the determination to succeed.

The points which we have mentioned so far—similarity of background, character, and personality qualifications are all important. But none is a substitute for the will to success. Without that, people ideally mated otherwise may drift apart and break up. With this, many other limitations can and are overcome.

80. Do you have larger purposes which can give you sound reasons for success?

Success in marriage involves far more than merely staying together. It means the working out of a relationship which is increasingly satisfying and worthful to all concerned. Many couples have clung together long after their marriages have lost their purposes, just because they wanted to show others that they could "succeed." Others have remained together because of social pressure, religious demands, or just because of their pride. We do not say that they were wrong in so doing. We do say that marriages which can be held together only by such reasons are not successful.

Success in terms of the development of a rich relationship will best result as the outgrowth of larger purposes around which the whole life is organized. Irene has for years en­visioned herself as a farmer's wife. Her interests have long been centered on this goal. As one step in this direction, she enrolled in a school of home economics which was related to an agriculture school. While there she became engaged to a student who shares her interests. She will do everything she can to make successful a marriage which has for years been a life purpose for her.

The purpose may be social. For centuries there was no divorce in Rome. Why? Because the family did not exist for the satisfaction of the individual. Its purpose was to provide disciplined citizens for the state; citizens who would be its soldiers or the mothers of soldiers. The marriage of many couples today is the joining together in some common cause to which both are dedicated. The cause may be foreign mis­sions. It may be world peace. It may be what is the essence of religion at its best; the dedication of self to the creative forces of life. But whatever it is, when this larger purpose is present, the couple has a basis for success.

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