How about Personality?

Are you introvert or extrovert?

How will introvert-extrovert differences affect your marriage?

Is either of you excessively dominating or submissive?

How can you tell how dominant or submissive you are?

How will dominant or submissive qualities affect the success of your marriage?

If one or the other of you is excessively dominant, or excessively submissive, what should you do?

How adjustable are you?

What personality traits make for adjustment in marriage?

Discussing this problem willhelp to answer the question, "What shall we do on our dates?" If you go into the questions raised seriously together, you can have lots of fun. Let us begin with this matter of personality types, and how they may affect a marriage.

81. Are you introvert or extrovert?

Most people understand something of the introvert-extro­vert differences. As the names suggest, the interests of the introvert tend to turn within himself. Those of the extrovert tend to turn to interests outside himself. Most people are not either one or the other. They are in between. Yet, even so, they tend to be more on one side than the other.

Generally speaking, the introvert is usually the quiet, more reserved type who can have a good time being by him­self. As a child he could spend all afternoon playing alone with paper dolls or blocks. As an adult he does not mind being left alone for long stretches of time. He may play solitaire a good deal. He does not mind going to the movies by himself. He can stay home night after night and enjoy reading or the radio. Do not misunderstand him. The intro­vert does not dislike people more than does the extrovert.

On the contrary, he may greatly enjoy them. He just does not need them in order to be happy. And he is less likely to be satisfied with "just anybody." He often wants to pick his company carefully.

The extrovert is likely to be the bubbling, outgoing type. He is the one who organizes picnics and gets everybody to playing games. Usually he is friendly and well-liked. He may not like people any better than does the introvert. He does have more need for them. As a child he wanted always to have plenty of company. If he found himself alone, he always had to go somewhere else, or have friends come over. Now if he goes to the movies, he wants to make it a party. He usually has more friends, although often not as close friends as the introvert. Psychologists have devised tests to indicate where people are on the introvert-extrovert scale. If you are interested, you might be able to arrange to take one of these tests. It may be fun to find out where you both stand.

82. How will introvert-extrovert differences affect your marriage?

If you are both introverts or extroverts, the adjustment will probably be made easier. Yet it will make a real dif­ference in the kind of home life for which you should plan. For example, if you are both extroverts, you will probably want to entertain a good deal. You will therefore want a place with a large living room and refrigerator. In buying furniture, for example, you will probably want to avoid the more delicate and "nicer" types, and get good, stocky stuff which can "take it." If you are both introverts you may want a different kind of establishment, even though you postpone the purchase of really nice furniture until after the children are fairly well grown.

If he is strongly introvertive and she is the opposite, the adjustment may be more difficult. He may resent not being able to go to a movie, or a quiet picnic without a troop of outsiders along. He may not like having his house filled, night after night, with people for whom he does not par­ticularly care. She may become restive at his lack of plans and his wish to stay home nights and read. On the other hand, the family may be more balanced if one is an introvert and the other extrovert. Jim, an introvert, chose Doris just because she was so different. He felt that he was too quiet and retiring. For his own development, as well as for business and social reasons, he chose a wife who would hustle him out, and bring other folks in. Doris, on her part, felt the need for someone to hold her back. She felt that occasionally she ought to be more quiet, both to rest and to have a chance to think things out. She felt, too, that she had so many friends that she would not get to know any of them really well. With Jim, life would be calmer, deeper and more stable.

The important consideration in this connection is not whether you are extrovert or introvert, but whether you are normal. If you are naturally either introvert or extrovert, well and good. But some people are artificially "jolly" because they lack self-assurance. A man may surround himself con­stantly with other people because deep inside himself he is afraid. Likewise the introvert may be badly adjusted, with deep-seated fears. Either introverts or extroverts can make good marriage partners, provided that they are also well-adjusted, wholesome persons.

83. Is either of you excessively dominating or submissive?

If the work of the world is to be effectively done, some people must direct the work of others. The need for some to "boss" others is more easily seen in a large manufacturing plant than in a home. Yet the family, also, will operate more smoothly if its members work under some direction. Plan­ning necessary work and directing others so that it can be done effectively is quite different from bossing others be­cause you enjoy seeing them obey you. People who have high administrative or executive ability will naturally find themselves in positions where they direct others. But such super­visory relationships are not at all the same as domination. Domination is the satisfaction which some people get from seeing others jump when they snap the whip.

The same principle holds true of submission. People who work cheerfully and willingly under the direction of others who are better able to supervise, are not necessarily sub­missive. They will take orders and obey them because they feel that this is the best way of getting worth-while things done. The submissive person takes orders, either because he is afraid, or because he enjoys being controlled.

Actually a domination and submission relationship does not make for efficiency. Our best executives are competent leaders who can win support, but who get no especial satis­faction out of the mere fact that others obey them. The atti­tudes of our best workers are co-operative, rather than sub­missive. In this fact lies much of the reason why a free labor force, such as that in America, produces far more than a dominated labor force, like that in Nazi Germany or Soviet Russia. Likewise in a family, husband, wife and children may accept direction. But both their work and their relationships will be more satisfactory if they are free labor, working under direction.

Domination, then, does not mean merely exercising au­thority. It means rather, an uncontrollable itch to take over everything and run it, and a strong resentment when things do not go as you feel they should. Mrs. Splat was a typical dominating type. She never could understand why people did not like her. She was outgoing and friendly, and always doing things for other people. She would organize picnics and swimming parties, and freely furnish her food, her car and her husband to drive. She often gathered the children in the community and took them to the zoo. She worked effectively in the church. The Junior Department had never boomed as it did after she took it over. The year she had charge of the annual supper of the Ladies Aid, they had the biggest attendance and made more money than ever before. And yet in spite of all she did for them, people did not like Mrs. Splat. When they had a difficult job, they were always glad to give it to her. But socially they were distant. Some­times they actually left her out.

Counseling revealed that Mrs. Splat's generosity and serv­ice were partly genuine, but partly also a result of her desire to dominate. She organized and promoted all kinds of events, partly as a means of gaining control over other people. And everything she touched, she had to take over and run. People who liked to be dominated or who merely wanted things to go well, were delighted with her. But many people do not like to be controlled. There was considerable resentment at seeing Mrs. Splat always in charge of everything, even though she was able and could give folks a good time. People often like to do things themselves, even though they may not do them as well. So they tried to keep Mrs. Splat out of every­thing which they did not want her to take over.

84. How can you tell how dominant or submissive you are?

It is not easy. Dominating people rarely know how they appear to others. Mrs. Splat was shocked and hurt when she found out how others felt about her. She had thought that her "taking over" resulted from a desire to help others, and that any criticism was rooted in jealousy. How can a person know whether what he does is domination, or merely leader­ship and executive ability?

As a couple you can begin by appraising each other. If you do it frankly and honestly, it may prove distressing and em­barrassing. There is also the danger that what appears as frankness is really a way of "taking it out" on the other. You will just have to run these risks. But do not stop with each other. Older friends who are well-balanced and who have good judgment, such as minister or teacher, can often give you appraisals which are both honest and kindly. Friends of your own age may also be of some help, but you must be careful here. People often are critical of others because they are jealous. If the verdict is almost unanimous, however, it should be taken seriously. Finally, psychologists have de­veloped tests which are designed to show a person where he is on the dominance-submission scale. You will both do well to take one or more of such tests, and then go over the re­sults carefully. It is worth finding out all you can, not only about the other, but about yourself in this very important area.

85. How will dominant or submissive qualities affect the success of your marriage?

Rather profoundly. If you are both dominant, you may be headed for painful and perhaps serious clashes which may seriously mar your happiness.

The dominance of one person need not impair the whole relationship. If the other is sufficiently submissive, there may be peace within the household. Richness of relationship does not require that all members of the family be the same. For many years the children will be inferior to their parents in many respects, but each person should have a reasonable chance to become the best that he can.

Dominance is not likely to occur without some rebellion. This last may not be open. But the servant who is most obsequious and outwardly submissive is the one most to be feared. The wife who appears to have no will of her own, to yield to her husband's every wish, may actually, in subtle ways, be twisting him around her little finger. Likewise children, in a household dominated by their parents, speedily learn how to get around the demands and wishes of their elders. Sometimes they use straight deceit. Often they learn how to manipulate the one who thinks that he is boss of a smoothly running household. Others will openly rebel as soon as they are old enough. The household in which one seeks to be dominant, then, will either be filled with con­stant bickerings and tensions, or it will be based upon underhanded deception. Neither atmosphere is conducive to a successful family life.

Finally, the practical results of domination may be sad. The dominant person may have the greater ability. Again, he (or she) may not. People dominate, not because they have more ability, but because they have stronger aggressive drives. Dictatorships of any kind, whether in a family or in a nation, always end up in serious trouble because those who dominate are often not those who are most wise. And even when the dominant person is also the ablest, his judgment is not superior at every point. The most successful family or nation is that which uses the insights of everyone.

We have pointed out the evils and dangers of domination. Let us not forget that submissiveness can be quite as bad. Our Hitlers could not lead their nations or their families to ruin if the others did not allow them to have their own way. The difficulty lies quite as much in the sheepishness of the sheep, as in the wolfishness of the wolves.

86. If one or the other of you is excessively dominant, or excessively submissive, what should you do?

The seriousness of dominance or submissiveness depends largely upon what it means. Here are some of the reasons why people are one or the other.

l. Past experiences. Dick was the oldest of eight children. His parents were easy-going. All his life, he had been the one to take the initiative, to see that things were done around the farm. When he married he would naturally continue his habit of "taking over." Quite the opposite was the experience of his sister Gwen. She was the youngest of eight children. She grew up with seven older brothers and sisters to boss her and do things for her. When she married she would be naturally submissive, and unable to assume much responsi­bility. In time she might learn to become more independent, but such a change could come only gradually.

2. Energy output. Physical vigor and vitality make it easier for people to start things and take the lead. On the other hand, people who lack energy tend to wait for other people to start things, and to yield control to those who are stronger and more able. Some people have energies which are greater than can be absorbed in their own jobs, and there­fore tend to "take over" the tasks of others.

3. Personality disturbances. The desire to dominate or to submit may indicate a lack of basic harmony in the total per­sonality. Some people are so baffled by their own inner problems that they do not want to feel any responsibility for the outside world. They therefore long for some dictator who will relieve them of any such responsibility, and tell them exactly what they should and should not do. Others prefer to retreat, not in themselves, but from themselves into all kinds of outside activities. Still others, not knowing how to change themselves, become convinced that the trouble must be in the outside world. They find plenty wrong to support their beliefs. Since they cannot adjust to the world, they must strive to make the world conform to them. All dictatorships, in a country or in a family, express essentially the same psychological distortions and end up in about the same place. Mental attitudes should be taken as seriously as physical disorders. Most couples now accept the idea that they should be physically fit before they marry. When Ruth's physical examination revealed that she needed a major operation immediately, both she and George post­poned their marriage until she had become well enough to assume its responsibilities. Couples must learn to take the same attitude toward mental attitudes. Excessive dominance or submissiveness may indicate serious personality diffi­culties which should be cleared up before any marriage takes place.

87. How adjustable are you?

Carl arose every day, except Sunday, promptly at seven. Half an hour later he appeared at the same neighborhood lunch room. The waitress no longer had to take his order. It was always orange juice, two three-minute eggs with toast, and coffee without cream. Carl had exactly fourteen usable ties and wore each for one day in exactly the same order. His whole life was like that; a carefully planned schedule from which he rarely deviated. Jane, in whom he had be­come interested, was quite the opposite. She could not bear to eat at the same place two days straight, or even at the same time. She never planned anything if she could possibly avoid it. Still, she had become interested in Carl. Should they seriously consider marriage?

It is easy to predict that Jane and Carl will have painful and perhaps stormy adjustments. Yet it is by no means certain that if each married someone like himself, the adjustments would be less difficult. Nor can we be sure that Jane will be the more adjustable. Being helter-skelter is itself a pattern of behavior from which it may be quite as difficult to adjust as from a rigid routine. And if two helter-skelter people fly off in different directions, they may have a far harder time adjusting to each other, than to a more predictable and methodical person. In fact, Jane "fell in love" with Carl, partly because she sensed that she just could not stand a person like herself.

On the other hand, two methodical persons may have quite as difficult a time, because they are almost certain to be methodical in different places and different ways. If Jane arose every morning at eight, this might prove quite as dis­tressing to Carl as if she rose any time between four and noon. Furthermore, his love for her reflected a subconscious need. He felt that he was beginning to be a bit stuffy in his habits, and that he would get along better with someone who could kick a hole in them and get him out of himself. Furthermore, Carl was not rigid in many important ways. His job was to be a "trouble shooter" in personal relation­ships for his company; to deal with customer complaints and smooth the ruffled feathers of discontented employees. In so doing he was unusually able to adjust the tone of his voice or of his letters, the directions which he gave, and what he offered in the name of his company to the personalities with whom he dealt and the requirements of the situation. The real issue, then, is not how methodical or helter-skelter you are, but how flexible and adjustable you can be. And this flexibility, like the important elements in the other con­siderations which we have discussed, is primarily a matter of mental health.

88. What personality traits make for adjustment in marriage?

Fortunately at this point we have results of research to help us with our answer. Here are the characteristics which make for happiness and success.

1. A happy and optimistic temperament. By optimism we do not mean a "whistling in the dark" kind of synthetic cheer or a refusal to look at the less happy aspects of life. We mean the tendency to find life worth-while. Each individual is somewhat like a magnet, passing over the experiences of life. He picks out and attracts to himself that which is in harmony with his own personality. Both optimism and pessimism are reflections of personality. They reveal much about the basic structure of the individual. Those who pick out, and attract to themselves the finer and happier experiences of life, will also both get and contribute the happier experiences of marriage. The person who finds life and marriage more worth-while for himself, will be more likely to make it more worth-while for his life partner.
   
   
2. Good mental adjustment. This point will be developed more extensively in the following chapter, but should be briefly considered here. The person who selects the happier aspects of life will not be unduly bothered by little things. He will find life much too interesting and worth-while to get his feelings easily hurt, or to be touchy, grouchy, or lonesome. A special study has been made of the relationship of being neurotic to marriage success. As we would expect, the most successful marriages were those in which neither of the couple was neurotic. The next best was when only the wife was neurotic and the husband not. The next was when the husband, not the wife was neurotic. The worst situation is when both are neurotic.
   
   
3. A wholesome attitude of give and take. This point is, of course, related to the desire to dominate, which we have just discussed. The person who has enough resources within himself, and can adapt himself to different kinds of situations does not always have to have his own way. Since he lives more happily himself, he is a happier and more satisfactory person to live with in the intimacies of marriage.
   
   
4. Thoughtfulness and consideration toward others. We will not have to elaborate this point, will we? The person who is thoughtful and considerate toward his partner makes the marriage happier, not only for the other, but for himself as well.
   
   
5. Self-confidence. We have already developed this point under Question 70 above, and therefore will not elaborate it further here.
   
   
6. The attitude of sharing hardships and difficulties as well as joys. Every person needs the support of others. It is certainly undesirable for a person to be always dumping his troubles upon someone else. On the other hand, it is not desirable to keep one's troubles to one's self. Marriage is a partnership which rightly includes the worse as well as the better. The person who bottles up his troubles within himself so as not to distress his life partner, poisons himself. Troubles, worries, and fears need to be shared, as well as joys. As to the children, they do need protection from pressures beyond their strength. But they should not be overprotected. Many families have become stronger during hard times and troubles because they shared their difficulties with the children.

In Summary

Personality types as such have little importance for success in marriage, provided that they are genuine. Extroverts, in­troverts, hard driving, and easy-going people; those who have great initiative and those who have little can all succeed in marriage. Trouble arises when an individual feels im­pelled to live "out of character." If husband or wife puts undue pressure upon each other to be what they are not, there will be trouble. Even more serious will be the situa­tion in which the person feels within himself that he must be what he actually is not and often cannot become. Such a condition indicates a lack of inner harmony without which no marriage and no life can succeed; a failure at what is probably the most crucial problem of marriage and life; mental health. It is to a consideration of mental health that we shall now direct our attention.

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