Mental Health

Why is mental health important in marriage?

Are you emotionally willing to get the knowledges and skills which success in marriage requires?

Are you both emotionally weaned from your parents?

Are you developed enough to be able to live happily with others?

Is it safe for a wife to be smarter than her husband? If she is, what provisions should be made for adjustment?

Can you hold up your end emotionally?

Will you be a good influence on your children?

How can you tell about your emotional stability?

89. Why is mental health important in marriage?

Many of our greatest problems arise out of the fact that people insist upon doing what is contrary to their own self interest. The American people are swindled out of millions of dollars every year, which could be saved by a simple tele­phone call to a Better Business Bureau or a bank. Why don't they investigate before they invest? They ruin themselves vocationally by hopping needlessly from one job to another. They ruin their health by dissipations which they know are harmful. They seek as friends those who are certain to get them into trouble, and avoid those who would and could help them. Why?

Poor choices in marriage result not only from bad judg­ment, or the deceitfulness of glamour and romance. They also can express deep distress of the personality. We can see this distress fairly clearly in marriage "on the rebound." We understand that a jilted person wants to bolster up his pride and "show" his friends. Therefore he may marry a person whom he would not consider seriously, if he were not under serious emotional stress.

Less easily recognized is the marriage which is entered into to "get even" with someone, usually one's parents. Children often grow up with strong feelings of resentment against their parents. Such feelings may lead them to select un­suitable marriage partners because the parents will strongly object. Thus the daughter of a conservative but domineering millionaire marries a Communist. The minister's son who has come to hate his father, marries an avowed atheist. Chil­dren of prim, respectable families marry characters who are questionable. Such bases for selection are understandable, but hardly sound.

In other instances, the individual may seek to punish, not his parents, but himself. Feelings of shame and guilt may result in strong desires for punishment. Forms of self-torture, as illustrated by the Flagellantes and some "Holy Men" of India, or even suicide show the power of such desires. This punishment may take the form of selecting a marriage part­ner who is obviously unsuitable. The conscientious girl may marry a known alcoholic to "reform" him, and almost eagerly accept the hardships of the situation as her "cross." Spirit­ually sensitive men of fine reputation may marry women known to be dissolute. The prophet Hosea may have been an instance of this desire for punishment. Masochism, the deriving of a kind of sexual satisfaction from enduring suf­fering, seems at least related to the wish to be punished. Many, if not most of the so-called "mistakes in judgment" which wreck marriages result from a lack of mental health. Ignorance may have slain its thousands, but emotional in­stability has slain its tens of thousands. Many authorities regard mental health as the most important factor in the success of a marriage.

A lack of mental health may show itself in the emotional inability of people who want to and could marry, to do so. George has been engaged three times to three different girls. Each time the same thing happened. As the date for the wedding approached, he found that he could not go through with it. He had nothing against any of the girls. It was mar­riage that he feared. George has some deep emotional dif­ficulty which only a psychiatrist could likely correct. But his "instinct" is sound. He is not ready to marry. The following questions indicate other places where mental health is im­portant to marriage success.

90.   Are you emotionally willing to get the knowledges and skills which success in marriage requires?

We have emphasized the fact that marriage is a vocation which calls for careful training. Whether or not you get this training will depend in part upon your emotional attitudes. When she first married, Ruth could not keep within shout­ing distance of her budget. She had little idea of what, where, and how to buy, and often paid much too much. She did not know how to cook, and ruined too much of the food she bought, including some expensive steaks. But Ruth was able and willing to learn. She read books and studied buying guides.

She enrolled in a cooking class. Gradually matters improved. She learned to buy better food at lower prices, and to prepare it tastefully and well. Within a few weeks she was able to keep not only within, but under her budget.

When a couple first marry they often lack important skills, not only in buying and cooking, but in social graces, sexual adjustments and tending the furnace. These lacks may prove distressing. They need not be serious, provided you are willing to do what is necessary to overcome them. This will­ingness is largely a matter of psychological maturity. Emo­tional infants, when confronted with a problem which they cannot overcome, often lie down and scream and cry. When adults are frustrated, they study how to overcome the ob­stacle. If you have good emotional health, you usually can overcome any lacks in skills. Without mental health you do not have the basis for making a good adjustment.

91.   Are you both emotionally weaned from your parents?

You have both come emotionally, as well as physically from your parents. While you were growing up as children your ideas of right and wrong, and your political and re­ligious opinions came largely from them. Even in your feel­ings you often reflected their feelings. For many years you were Poppa's girl, or perhaps Momma's boy.

Your emotional weaning from your parents did not come all at once. It had to come gradually. The first step was often the shift of interest from your parents to someone like your parents. For this reason young adolescents often develop "crushes" on much older people, such as actors, actresses, radio crooners, school teachers, or some older friend of father or mother. During this transition stage they often fall in love with, and wish to marry the "parent substitute." If the individual keeps on growing, no harm need develop-As soon as he grows up enough to feel secure within himself, he will no longer feel the need of a parent substitute. But while he or she is in the middle of this change, or if for some reason, the growth does not proceed normally, trouble may result.

The girl of twenty who wants to marry the man of forty-five may actually be marrying not a husband, but a kind of father.

Until a person has become mature enough to be weaned from his or her own parents so completely as to need no substitute, he is not ready for marriage. A second danger is that in a few years the younger person may grow up. If this happens, the girl may find that she no longer wants a father, but a real husband who is not the man to whom she is mar­ried. Even if the couple are near the same age, lack of wean­ing may cause trouble. Marcia knew that Cyril was still tied to his mother's apron strings. She was quite sure that she was not a substitute mother, and felt that after their marriage, Cyril could be weaned away and would grow up. He did grow up, and this made their relationship worse. Although Marcia was younger, she actually was attractive to Cyril be­cause he felt that she could still "mother" him. After he grew up he wanted a different kind of girl, and the marriage ended in divorce.

Becoming emotionally weaned from our parents does not mean, of course, that we reject their influence, or that we cease to love them. On the contrary, only as we become free from them and persons in our own right, can we be free to love them most fully and deeply. It means primarily that we come to think our own thoughts and feel our own feelings. If there is any doubt in your minds about the completeness with which either of you has been emotionally weaned from your parents, you should examine this problem with great care, possibly with competent counseling help.

92. Are you developed enough to be able to live happily with others?

Living with anybody is a strain. Before they marry, most people have had years of experience living in the families in which they grew up, but this is not quite the same. When you came into your own family you were pretty young. Your parents expected to carry most of the burden of the ad­justments. When you acted badly they usually overlooked it to some degree, either because they loved you, or because they felt responsible for the way you were. In any case you had years in which to work the relationship out.

Living with a roommate to whom you are not related is a different experience. Here you are rather suddenly called upon to adjust to a somewhat strange adult. Yet this dif­fers from marriage in important respects. The relationships are not nearly so intimate. For example, there is usually not the community of property and bank roll which commonly exists between husband and wife. You do not feel responsible for the other. If the other person behaves badly, it does not mean what it would if you were married to him or her. Finally, the relationship is not permanent. If you do not make a go of it, either one of you can pick up and leave with little delay. Even housing shortages and leases are less formi­dable than the divorce court.

Marriage means that suddenly you are called upon to adjust in a most intimate way, to a person who is usually in some respects a rather complete stranger. At best the adjust­ments required are a considerable strain; too much of a strain to be handled successfully by any except mature per­sons. In no other human relationship is so much demanded. Furthermore, it is a relationship from which escape is dif­ficult.

One especially difficult problem is that of the wife being and remaining a good companion to her husband. In a few instances, as with the Brownings and the Curies, husband and wife will be fairly matched in the same field, and their relationship will be richer because of it. In most instances the wife will not be trained and competent in her husband's field. Often it is better this way, lest she be tempted to med­dle and interfere. But if she can know something about his work, she may be able to be of real help. Even more im­portant, theirs will be a richer relationship. In any case, whether in the same or in different fields, the wife should develop interests.

Twenty years ago, George married a girl who was greatly inferior to him. During their first years together she had done the cooking and the housework, and there had been the children. But the children had grown and left home, and the man had prospered.

Now servants took charge of the entire household. It is a terrible experience to be no longer needed. The wife did what most people will do under similar circumstances; she tried to make a place for herself. She became "pushy," and began to annoy her husband with all sorts of petty details. She insisted upon buying his clothes, and watched his diet with an eagle eye. She even tried to push into the operation of his office and the transactions of his business deals. As her husband bitterly remarked, "Twenty years ago she was so pretty. Her helplessness seemed so cute, and such a challenge to me. Now she is just fat and a nuisance."

Yet it is hardly fair to blame the wife. The mistake was made when he chose as a life partner, a woman who was not intellectually capable of continuing to make an important contribution to the relationship. This case suggests our next question.

93. Is it safe for a wife to be smarter than her husband? If she is, what provisions should be made for adjust­ment?

Over and over we hear it said that men do not want wives who are too intelligent. Girls who consult with us frequently complain that they do not dare let their boy friends discover that they have brains. Many feel that if a boy finds out that a girl is smarter than he is, he will lose interest. Therefore some groups of women deliberately play the "sweet but helpless" role. Girls are taught to flatter a man, and to make as their main appeal, their need for his brilliance and strength. How sound is this policy? How true is the popular notion that men demand that their women be inferior?

Certainly there have been and are men who regard their wives as they do their fine houses, their memberships in ex­clusive clubs, their liveried chauffeurs and other symbols of wealth and position. The main job of such a wife was to look beautiful in expensive clothes, to appear as a charming hostess to the "right" people, and at all times and places to say the right things while little intelligence was necessary. It might prove a decided disadvantage. A woman with brains might have ideas of her own, which would never do. To supply this demand there have been and continue to be, women who are glad for a life of luxury and ease, even under such conditions. Some women see nothing more desirable for themselves than to be private ornaments for men of wealth and position.

Yet men who cannot afford social ornaments sometimes want inferior wives. Why? Often because they harbor a great sense of inferiority. Therefore at all economic levels there are some men who want apparently weak and docile women whom they can dominate completely, who will not put up any arguments, and who will do as they are told without any "ifs," "ands," or "buts." Likewise there are women who either want to be dominated, or who are so eager to marry that they will do so under such circumstances.

What about the "ordinary man" who has no serious feel­ings of inadequacy, and who cannot afford, and does not desire a social ornament? Does he demand that his wife not have too many brains? Certainly he wants her to be intelli­gent enough to do her job well. He does not want to feel ashamed of her because of her stupidity. Actually, too, the marriage will turn out more successfully if the wife is smart enough to be interesting, and to help develop satisfying per­sonal relationships.

Still, the man usually does not want to feel inferior to his wife. But feeling inferior is not the same as being inferior. Some men have a quiet pride in a wife who is smarter, pro­vided that she is smart enough not to make him appear and feel inferior, especially in front of his friends.

Some men, like some women, want others to run things for them. This desire may result from an unwillingness to assume responsibilities. It may come from a deep-seated de­sire to be dominated. Whatever its basis, there are men who want to be dominated by their wives. In such cases, both of them should know it in advance.

The problem is not limited to what men in general, or this man in particular, may want. There is also social de­mand. The boy and the girl who plan marriage should have a clear understanding of what the entire situation actually is, including its contradictions which they must somehow resolve. Our culture expects the husband to be intellectually superior to his wife. Yet actually, he is not and in many cases cannot be. By the law of chances, there will be almost as many wives who are superior to their husbands, as husbands who are superior to their wives. So what to do?

In actual life the situation does not work out too badly. Vocationally, the wife usually becomes side-tracked while she is bearing and rearing the children. With a twenty-year advantage, even a relatively inferior husband can usually manage to keep ahead. And as a result of the differences in what society expects, the wife usually runs with the throttle only partly open. While the husband is advancing himself vocationally, or rising in his union, the wife busies herself getting up church suppers and organizing flower shows which consume her time and energy, but do not show up in either the pay check or her vocational standing.

Yet such advantages are not always enough to keep the husband ahead. If the difference in ability is marked, it speedily becomes known. In Gone with the Wind even the lowliest slave knew that the real boss of Tara was not Mr. O'Hara, but his far more competent wife. Such a situation may be concealed by a polite little conspiracy to maintain the fiction of male superiority, but everyone knows to whom to go, to get things done. In our day this fiction is becoming more difficult to maintain. More and more wives are going back to work as soon as their children are old enough to be left by themselves, and are getting real money and recogni­tion. In some instances, the wife will outstrip her husband. The problem often becomes a real issue at the time when her income exceeds his.

1. Our feeling is that the soundest marriages are those in which husband and wife are on about the same level of intelligence. We may think that the problem will be serious, only if the girl is markedly superior, but this is by no means necessarily true. The girl who marries a man who is intellectually far superior may face problems quite as serious. She will be safer if she chooses a man more nearly on her own level, so that through the years the relationship can most easily be maintained.
   
   
2. There is just as much chance that the wife will be superior to the husband, as the other way around. All who marry should face this fact. Actually there is no more justification for a man feeling embarrassed because his wife is superior, than there is for a wife to feel embarrassed because her husband excels her.
   
   
3. In any case, character and personality are far more important, provided each of the couple is intelligent enough to do a good job.

94. Can you hold up your end emotionally?

Fritz and Marie thought that they were an ideal combina­tion. Both came from essentially the same social background. Both had excellent characters, and high ideals of service to their fellow men. From where they stood, theirs would be the ideal marriage. Yet from the beginning it was evident that something was terribly wrong. Serious troubles began to de­velop which caused both deep concern. What was the matter? Where had they slipped up?

The counselor whom they consulted soon discovered that the difficulty lay in this matter of emotional need. Each had been emotionally deprived for years, which was partly the basis of their common desire to save the world. Each ex­pected that after their marriage, the other would carry him emotionally. They were like two people who each supposed that the other was wealthy, and married each other for their money, only to discover that both were desperately poor. Each thought that the other was emotionally rich enough for two. It was a terrible shock to discover that neither was emotionally rich enough, even for one.

As there are physical invalids who must be cared for by someone else, so there are the emotionally helpless. They can give little to anyone else. Yet for themselves they require constant attention. We all know some of the symptoms. They are constantly demanding of other people. The least little thing upsets them, and makes them pouty and unpleasant. Then those to whom they are related must stop everything and nurse them. Those who are emotionally helpless are really helpless. It is neither kind nor scientific to regard them with contempt or disgust. Yet at the same time, we must recognize also that they are not ready for marriage. Emo­tional children, like those who are children in age, may later grow up and become well qualified to make their marriages a success. But as we would not marry one who is a child in age, so we should make sure that our life partners are not children in emotions.

Emotional maturity does not mean that the individual is never in need of emotional help and support. A man may be unable to open a door, not because he is physically dis­abled, but because he has his arms full of bundles. So those who are normally strong and able will, at times, need some­one to smooth the way for them because they happen to be carrying an unusual load of emotional burdens. Furthermore, as normally healthy people occasionally become ill and need to be waited on temporarily, so emotionally healthy people occasionally need help and support. Such support is one of the main reasons for marriage. The important thing is that this support shall not always be on one side. Success in mar­riage requires a give and take; a mutual support by each of the other. Like the tides, support must flow, now one way and now the other. Emotional maturity means that you can both give and receive.

95. Will you be a good influence on your children?

Lucy was sure that marriage was one never-ending round of delight. When she visited her married sister and bathed the baby, she was convinced that nothing could be more won­derful. She did not realize that to its parents, a baby is not only a source of deep joy, but a responsibility twenty-four hours a day.

Furthermore, caring for children means far more than feeding them, staying up with them nights, and wiping their noses. It involves also a vital emotional adjustment. When a father slaps a crying baby hard enough to kill it; when a mother leaves small children unattended and is found drunk in a tavern, the moral and personality limitations of the par­ents are evident. What we do not see is that sincere and con­scientious parents, parents who do their best, often seriously damage their children. Careful studies and clinical evidence show the harm which can result, not only from ignorance, but from personality dis­turbances of the parents. Parents who are themselves frus­trated and thwarted may, despite careful physical care, make their children feel unwanted and unloved, and thus cause more harm than might physical abuse. It is true that, at times, all children are annoying, and that parents, being human, will express their annoyance. But if the child grows up feel­ing that he is primarily a nuisance and a burden, his chances for developing are seriously impaired. Children who are mis­fits, and some who turn out to be vicious, did not all come from "bad" homes. Some came from families in which the parents did their very best, but a best which was not good enough because the parents were emotionally disturbed. Competent parenthood requires that the parents not only know how to bring up their children, but also that they are themselves wholesome enough so that their influence upon the children is desirable.

96. How can you tell about your emotional stability?

It is not easy. Here are a few suggestions which may help. Are you usually well poised? Under sufficient pressure, al­most anyone will become irritable. All of us are occasionally "out of sorts." But if slight irritations bother you too much, this is a danger signal. So is constant pouting. The ability to keep from getting unduly excited, even in serious situations, is a good sign. The person not easily bothered or upset is, at this point, a good marriage bet.

Are you excessively "nervous?" Have you ever had a "nervous breakdown?" If you have, this will not necessarily unfit you for marriage. People can recover from this, as from any ailment. But if the tendency to nervous breakdown re­mains, watch out. A history of several nervous breakdowns is a danger signal which ought to be examined by a com­petent consultant.

Do you drink excessively? Do you find that at times you are not able to control your drinking? In recent years, scien­tific research has been done on the subject of alcoholism. We now know that this is a mental illness. No alcoholic is a safe matrimonial risk until he has been completely cured.

Are you a chain smoker? This is a less serious form o£ the same problem. If chronic, it usually indicates a difficulty which should be looked into.

Are you an inveterate movie-goer? Do you frequently go, not because you want to see some particular picture, but because you feel uneasy? Do you read cheap and trashy litera­ture for the same reason?

Do you strongly desire to dominate others? Does it annoy you unduly to

For a popular summary of this problem, see the Public Affairs Pamphlet #118 Alcoholism Is a Sickness. Public Affairs Committee, 22 East 38th Street, New York City.

recognize that you are wrong sometimes; do you always have to be right? We have already discussed this problem at some length.

Are you constantly changing your job, your school, or your friends?
Can you make up your own mind?

Elsie never could. As a child she depended upon her mother, and in later life, her roommate to tell her what dress to wear. If her friends did not like a boy, she would drop him, no matter how well she liked him. For her political and economic opinions she read one newspaper only, and believed what it said.

As children, we tend to follow rather uncritically the judg­ments of our parents, teachers, or the gang we go with. But as we grow up, we should be able to form our own judg­ments; to listen to different opinions, and weigh them intel­ligently. As adults, we must continue to depend upon the judgment of experts in areas which are not our specialties, Yet it is one thing to depend upon others for our facts. It is another to accept their opinions in all matters without ques­tion. The expert is often wrong. The person who is mentally healthy always reserves the right to make his own judgment.

If you follow blindly the judgments of some friend, radio commentator, church, magazine, newspaper, or political party, it is a sign of danger.

Why is the ability to make up your own mind important for success in marriage? In the first place, because of what it indicates. Elsie was a poor marriage risk because she was still emotionally a child. Inability to make independent judg­ments shows a lack of inner security and an arrested develop ment. As we have repeatedly pointed out, marriage and par­enthood are difficult jobs. They require a high degree of intelligence and understanding for success. If you depend primarily upon some outside "authority," you will not be able to make the kind of intelligent judgments which are essential if you are to run your household and bring up your children wisely. Only those who can assume responsibil­ity for their own judgments are ready to assume the re­sponsibilities of marriage.

In Summary

Mental health is by no means the only important essential for success in marriage. But of all the factors, it is probably the most important. For it is the foundation of so many other essentials. To be sure, the foundation is not all there is to the house. But unless this is right, nothing else can be.

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