Handling Crises

What would you do if you discovered that your partner was mixed up in crime, or lacking in essential character qualities?

What would you do if the other died?

How would you handle the problem of adultery?

What if you find yourself in love with someone else?

What if after your marriage you cease to love the other?

Crises are a crucial test of mental health. The following questions suggest some of the crises which married couples may face.

97. What would you do if you discovered that your part­ner was mixed up in crime, or lacking in essential character qualities?

Louise was the girl in the small town who always wanted to go places. One summer she met Charlie, a quiet, reserved boy, who had a clean and "honest" face. He told her that he worked with an investment company. He was plentifully supplied with money. He came from the big city, where she had always longed to live. His good looks and pleasing per­sonality so charmed her that she rejected Frank, the nice boy who lived around the corner, and married Charlie. Not until the police arrested him during their honeymoon did she discover that his real business was gambling and forging checks. She succeeded without difficulty in having the mar­riage annulled, but then what?

She might have gone on to the big city and sought to establish herself there. But it was in a time of depression. She had no friends there, and no training. Going would be risky, and her folks were not wealthy. If she remained in her own home town she would have a place to live. All her friends would still be there. There was also the possibility that Frank might again become interested. She had no doubt that returning home and admitting her mistake was the only thing to do. The great question was, could she stand it emo­tionally? Could she again face her old friends, and Frank. Could you have done it under the circumstances, even if you felt that it was best? Here was a real test of mental health. (Note: she did return and was accepted by Frank. He wisely felt that a girl who had that much sense and courage would make an excellent wife.)

Less clear was Elsa's problem. She married a respectable up-and-coming man in the coal business. She soon discov­ered that he regularly cheated his customers on weight, a matter about which she felt strongly. When she protested he laughed at her. Business, he told her, was being smarter than the other fellow.

What should she do? Should she expose his activities? Should she demand that he change and if he refused, leave him? Should she just be quiet about everything and stay with him regardless? What would you do if the issue were really important to you? Are you emotionally healthy enough to decide wisely, and to stand by your decision?

98. What would you do if the other died?

The most difficult problem will be emotional. The loss of a loved one is always a shock and a strain. The problems here involved are so well recognized that we need only men­tion them. Other emotional problems are centered around the readjustment of your future. Such an adjustment is usually less difficult for a man. He can go on with his vocational plans, much as he had expected to do. If he is still under fifty or so he can usually find a suitable woman whom he can marry, and thus pick up the broken strands of his plans for a home and family.

The woman usually faces a more difficult situation. Some will have other opportunities to marry, and thus be able to continue their hopes and dreams. Many girls will not. The death of a lover or husband will end for them any chances for marriage. The loss of these possibilities will usually mean a rather complete readjustment of their vocational programs. If the girl has already been well trained to earn her living, as every girl should be, her vocational problems will be less serious. If she is not so trained, her vocational problems

may be serious, especially if she is widowed with children to sup­port.

The financial difficulties which might result from a death are faced in part when you take out life insurance. Such insurance will in most cases, however, be only enough to tide the family over the crisis for a few years. Few families can afford, or should attempt to have enough to enable the fam­ily to continue to live indefinitely on its income from in­surance. Therefore the wife-to-be should give most careful consideration before marriage to the problem of what she would or could do in case of the death of her husband.

99. How would you handle the problem of adultery?

This question, like the previous one, may raise an un­pleasant subject. But it is one which you should face. Adul­tery is much more common than premature death. In Ques­tions 53 and following we urged that you come to a clear un­derstanding regarding the sex standards which you expect of each other after marriage. A definite agreement on this point will give you a basis for a sound approach to the prob­lem of adultery. Any discovered violation of your agreement will necessarily be serious. Yet like any crisis, this possibility is one for which you should be emotionally prepared, and intellectually have formulated some tentative policy.

An older view once commonly held was that one experi­ence of adultery automatically destroyed the marriage. That position, fortunately, is no longer recognized as sound. One who asserts that a broken leg need not be fatal should not be accused of endorsing broken legs. Neither should the asser­tion that adultery need not be fatal, be interpreted as an endorsement of adultery. It is important to recognize that a marriage which has been damaged by an adulterous experi­ence can recover, and recover fully. The first task of the doc­tor is to cure his patient, not to bury him. If you face adul­tery your first responsibility will be to try seriously to heal the marriage, not to complete its destruction in the divorce court.

For many, a personal experience with an adulterous mate would come as a profound shock. The adjustments required would be difficult and real. The first essential, as with any problem, is to find out what the behavior means. Here are some possibilities.

Jim was away on a business trip. His wife was tired and lonesome. One of Jim's friends was passing through the city, and dropped by with theatre tickets for all three, not know­ing that Jim was away. Why should these tickets go to waste, especially when Jim's wife was hungry for some recreation? So Jim's wife went with the friend. After they returned home from the show, she invited him in for a drink. One thing led to another before either of them was aware of what was happening. Later, both of them deeply regretted the way the evening had ended. Such a thing is not likely to occur again. Jim would never have found out about it, if his wife had not told him. She believed strongly that a relationship must be honest, and that any messy situations should be faced and cleared up.

Adultery was bad enough, without adding to it the deceit of concealment and the haunting fear that some day her husband might find out. Jim was both hurt and shocked. He also saw that the proper attitude toward a wound was to help it to heal, not to make it worse.

Dorothy's situation is quite different. She is buyer for her husband's store and frequently travels to several large cities. She has "friends" in each city with whom she consorts sexually with some degree of regularity. She does not discuss the matter with her husband, but he knows about it.

Fred's case was peculiar. He was having an "affair" with a good friend of his wife. The wife first found out about it when she caught them in a compromising situation. This seemed strange, because Fred's wife had told him that she planned to visit her friend that very afternoon. It looked al­most as if Fred had planned to be caught. Actually, this was discovered to be the case. The counselor found that Fred had come to dislike his wife. Subconsciously he wished to punish her. This is why he chose one of her best friends to be his accomplice, and then made sure that they were caught by his wife. His "adultery" was actually an act of hostility.

He was striking in the way which would hurt most.

Now let us turn it around. If it were you who were the adulterer, what then? Here again, your first task would be to find out what it meant. Was it a single slip, not likely to be repeated? If so would you do as Jim's wife did—talk it over to clear up the relationship? Or would you conceal it?

What if it is not a single slip, but a regularly established "affair" with someone else? Will you try to conceal this, or continue it with the knowledge of the other? What if you were threatened with divorce? Have you basically changed the moral standards to which you agreed at the time of mar­riage? If so, has this fact been brought out into the open, and adjustments made in the light of the changed situation? Or was your adultery an expression of hostility, an act of aggression? If so, have you reviewed the whole situation be­tween you to determine the reason for the hostility, and what should be done about the total relationship?

We hardly expect any couple to decide regarding all such possibilities in advance of their own marriage. You should know, however, what you might face with reference to a violation of the sex standards which you have agreed upon, and some possibilities as to both your attitude and what you will do about any such changes in your relationship.

100. What if you find yourself in love with someone else?

Bill, a man of twenty-eight who had been married six years and had two children, found himself in just this situa­tion. His secretary was an unusually attractive girl of twenty-four. Neither of them had thought of love at first, although they had "clicked" remarkably well from the start. As time went on, they found that they had similar interests, stand­ards, tastes, and ideals. Suddenly they realized that without any intent from either party, they were in love with each other. Before they did anything drastic, they went to a con­sultant and laid their problem before him.

The first task of the consultant was to point out that the situation was not unusual. Bill had also loved several other people. His list included his wife, his mother, a sister, a minister to whom he was greatly attached, and two other men with whom he fished for a week each year. Love cer­tainly does not necessarily require a sexual expression. Bill's love for his secretary was not essentially different from his love for any of the others, except that it had the additional element of sexual attraction. This could complicate it seri­ously, but did not need to. It was Bill's wife who had borne his children, and with whom he was building his family, not his secretary. This fact gave to Bill and his wife a unique relationship, quite different from that with any of the others whom Bill loved.

Therefore it would be better if Bill would restrict his physical intimacies to his wife. With other things which attract us, such as cars, tapestries, and washing ma­chines, when they do not belong to us, we take moral restraint for granted. Bill and his secretary decided that their situa­tion was much like that of a teller in a bank. They would expect to be tempted, but for many reasons, they should exercise moral restraint here, as they would elsewhere. Later Bill brought into his office another employe, a fine young fellow who was unmarried. In time the secretary became pathetically grateful, both that she had remained at her job and that she had kept her relationship with her boss clean.

Every young couple should recognize before marriage, that they probably have, and will love many persons. Some of these may also be sexually attractive. The real decision will be made, not by the presence of love and sex attraction, but by the moral standards which they are determined to maintain. If these last have been carefully worked out and clearly understood, love and sex attraction toward others need cause no serious disruption or even threat.

101. What if after your marriage you cease to love the other?

In some instances this will be merely a phase of a larger problem, such as we have already considered. When Louise (Question 97) found that her husband was not at all the kind of man she had supposed him to be, but was a profes­sional gambler and forger, her feelings toward him naturally changed basically. Therefore she dissolved the marriage. But when there is no such crisis resulting from the disclosure of a serious personality or character defect, suppose that one of you just loses interest in the other—what then?

Bear in mind, first of all, that such things do not "just happen." People who have loved each other enough to marry do not suddenly or gradually lose interest unless there is some very real reason. Here are some possible reasons:

In some cases, a couple may lose interest because it really never existed in any substantial way. Vance and Ann never were much interested in each other. They married as a result of a "plot" against them by both their families, who felt that they would be well mated. Actually they were unsuited for each other, and this fact became obvious to both before they had been married two months. They parted, good friends, but with considerable relief.

Similar in some respects was the experience of Sid and Josie. Both were extremely romantic and eager to marry. They met, had a whirlwind courtship of two weeks, and topped it off on a moonlit night by driving to a nearby town and routing out a Justice of the Peace. Before the honey­moon was over, both clearly recognized that their interest was a flash in the pan, and essentially a mistake. They had their marriage quietly annulled.

Many cases are not so simple. In some instances the love was once genuine and deep. The couple have been married for some years, and there are children to complicate the situa­tion. What then? In such cases the couple should ask them­selves such questions as the following:

Is the change in our feelings temporary or permanent? Many couples find that at times, they are not only uninter­esting to each other, but positively repulsive. If such feel­ings last longer than usual, or if they are complicated by some difficulty which makes one or both feel annoyed and depressed, a person may think that love has gone when actu­ally it may be as strong as ever. If, after some time, there seems to be no change for the better, or matters seem to be­come worse, it is time for the second question.

What is the basic cause for our change in feeling, and what should be done about it? The answer to this question admittedly is not easy. To find the real answer may require the services of a competent psychiatrist for some time. Yet many people can come to recognize some of the possibilities. The person may have ceased to love because of some per­sonality difficulty within himself. Internal tensions and inner conflicts may have left an individual who desires only to be by himself, incapable of loving anyone until he has learned to be at peace within himself.

Moral breakdown, or the threat of it, may be the trou­ble. Norman was treasurer of his company. For a time he was strongly tempted to run off with the funds. His wife was a woman of high ideals. She stood as a barrier between him and what he wanted to do. As his temptation became stronger, so grew his need to push her aside. He began by being excessively critical. The increase of pressure within himself resulted in an increased resentment of her, until his former love crescendoed into almost blind hatred. Like some diseases, his desire finally reached a crisis when he either had to yield, or to eliminate the temptation from his life. He de­cided to remain honest. With this decision his love for his wife returned, stronger than ever. Lady Macbeth's prayer, "Steal into my woman's breasts and take my milk for gall" shows profound insight. Shameful desires and tender feelings of love do not get along well within the same person.

Was the marriage really a mistake? This is the crucial ques­tion, and one of supreme importance. If the answer is, "Yes, it was a mistake," then you must decide what you will do and how you will do it. Some will want to stick it out, for the sake of appearances, or the children, or in hopes that the situation may change for the better. Others will want to go their separate ways without benefit of lawyers. Henry and his wife decided on this solution. They were both well along in years, and well regarded in the community. Both felt that they would best live their own lives separately without formal legal action. Had they been some years younger so that either might wish to remarry, a divorce might prove far more satis­factory.

Yet we should not too easily assume that the marriage was a mistake. One of the tragedies of our times is the number of marriages which have been dissolved before they have been given a real chance. If the marriage was real in the first place, the couple will have done considerable building through the years. The construction thus begun should not be scrapped without very good reason, including the prob­ability that another attempt may prove far more successful.

It may be well to take the same attitude toward a sick marriage which we would take toward a sick child; it should be cured if possible. It may cost hundreds of dollars and months of the very best expert attention to cure a physical ailment. The cure for a sick marriage may prove quite as difficult and costly. But marriage is a part of life. If that dies, it should be decently interred. But remember, that if it does die, a part of you dies with it.

In the discussion of this last question, as with all the questions, our task has not been to settle for you, or to have you settle, all your problems in advance. We have sought only to give those not yet married some understanding of the kinds of questions and problems which they should face now in order to live more worth-while married lives later, and to explore some of the possibilities for both explanation and solution of these problems.

We shall not wish you good luck. For success in marriage, as in any phase of living, is not a matter of luck. It will de­pend mainly upon intelligent understanding, plus the de­termination to succeed, which is sufficient to inspire you to pay the costs of success.

Are You Ready To Move Onto The Next Lesson? Click Here….